Thank You Visprint... Thank You Bob Ong. ♥

This Christmas has undeniably turned out to be one of the best days I've ever had. Aside from the fact that I have celebrated it differently (since I went to the mall with friends and it's the first time I've ever done that on a December 25th), I have given myself a great present: I gave myself a complete set of Bob Ong's books!

I've started collecting the books after I graduated high school on 2005 but some of my copies were lost after I have lent it to people who do not know how to treat books well. And since I am really a big fan of Bob Ong (and because I was damn frustrated that I couldn't buy that pair of shoes in People are People), I went to National Bookstore with Emil and Lui and bought four new books to complete my collection. <3 

If you want to read personal reviews of his books, please click Read more. <3

Why Exactly Do I Need Money?

I won't be a hypocrite and tell the whole world that I don't need money to be happy. Come on. In this age where everything has to be paid, I need stable sources of finances. And unfortunately, I am one of the millions who have to work her ass out first in order to earn. I am not a daughter of a tycoon, nor was I born with a golden spoon in my mouth. I am an ordinary person, and I need money.

But the thing is: WHY DO I NEED MONEY?

First thing: I am the breadwinner of the family. I am the only one working; and though my parents are receiving their monthly pension (since both of them are senior citizens already), it is still not enough. My grandmother is already at her golden age and is getting sickly nowadays. Her bank account is close to depleting and her medications are just so expensive. And then my brother is still studying (though thankfully, he's graduating next year already.) So imagine the pressure in me. I have to feed my family.

But of course, I cannot let myself just do everything for that sort of motivation. I need to give something to myself. So yeah, I need money to satisfy my wants. I am a KPOP lover and I tell you, it's not easy to be one. Fangirls need money to become a true-blue fangirl; and I'm not joking. On February, I'm flying to Singapore for Super Show 4. Come midyear 2012, I know I'm going back there for Bluestorm. And it's not just a simple case of obsession. To see Super Junior and CNBlue live are necessities to me. They are my stress relievers and they are my rewards. :)

Lastly, I need money because I want to help people. Right now, I'm sponsoring a child through World Vision. Although I used the name of Park Jungsu, it's still me who's paying for it. No complaints. Actually, I have also pledged support to a friend who I know is terribly in need of finances too. Although she's somehow working for us as househelp in return, I try my best to give her more than she's working for. I don't know why I'm like this towards her. Maybe it's just that I want her to feel supported by a family, which she was deprived of, since childhood. (Her mother died when she was like 4 or 5? Then her father had to go abroad - then later die, and she was being treated like trash by her relatives for the reason that she's an orphan.)


Yes, I need money because I need to do a lot of things. And I am just thankful to God because ever since I graduated, I was never in great need for money. I wish this continues until 2012. I hope more job opportunities come my way so that I could help more people. :)

There's No Use in Pretending

I guess I'm at the peak of my attempt to get away from everything, and I guess that at some point of my life, I really do have to accept the fact that I am incomplete. I've been trying my best to shove off the thought of noticing my void for a long time now and I think it's about time that I loosen up a little; and admit to myself that I am not okay.

Romance isn't really a good thing to blame but I couldn't think of any other things that would actually cause me to this. I, after all, is still vulnerable - that despite my silly pretenses and fake iron masks and armors, I am still a woman needing to find someone to whom I would mean the world.

But yeah, impossible. And no, don't consult me with the thought that I am soon gonna be fine; because I know it's my fault that I am not. And I don't want others to put salt on my wounds more.

Yes, it is I who inflicts this freaking pain in me. If I want it, I could always pick out a guy from my list and make him my boyfriend to compensate with myself. But NO. I'm not doing that. That'll never be in my options. Because: one, I don't like using people; and two, I know how painful it is to feel used for this kind of matter.

I know I'm incomplete and that's why I'm getting depressed right now. But it's the very same reason why I really don't want to get into a relationship at all. I don't want to find a partner just because I want someone to fill the void in me. I want to find a partner who I can share my completeness with. I want to find someone who I wouldn't depend on for happiness, because I want to find that joy by myself.

I choose not to be unfair to others even if I would be damn unfair with myself. Living is too short. I don't want to waste time playing with guys, or I don't want guys treating me like a disposable toy. I've had too much of that.

But I don't know.

Damn it. Reading too much fanfictions would really be the death of me.

Ready for Love

I am 22 and never for once in my life did I experience a serious kind of relationship. I’m not downing myself but it is truth when I say that all the relationships I’ve gone into were really not worth it and none of the men I loved managed to make me feel that they could love me back. Of course, there were times when I would feel special but, never loved.

This is kind of embarrassing to admit but during the time when I still believe in romance, I experienced a lot of heartaches. I experienced: being betted upon, taken revenge on, used to make an ex jealous (without my consent), used to cover up the pain of breaking up (without my consent), played at, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and being ashamed about. For these reasons, I turned my back on love. For the past three years, I’ve been shielding my heart and rejected every possibility with creatures called ‘men’. I grew mad at their existence and began to distrust all of them. I denounced Cupid and repeatedly questioned God why I am so unfortunate in this field of life.

But yesterday, things have abruptly changed. It was unplanned. It was uncalled for. But as I was on a date yesterday with a close friend from UE, I suddenly told her that I guess, it’s time already that I open up my heart, forget the past and finally admit to myself that like any other person, I am in need of love.

And I am ready to turn my safety on hibernate.

It wasn’t a good idea, probably. But my friend sure was elated. She has been waiting all our friendship’s life to hear me say that I’m ready to fall in love again. It’s funny because I think I have waited all these three years for me to hear myself say those things too.

But I’ve got a condition on myself before I fully let go of my safety blanket. I want to complete myself on my own. As I told my friend yesterday, I don’t want to get into a relationship just because I want the void in me to be filled. I do not want to love a person out of necessity because if in the event that the guy I decided to fall in love with turns out to be another jerk who doesn’t deserve to live, I wouldn’t care much because I am already complete.

I know it sounds selfish but I think, this time, I would rather be the one to fill the void.

Maybe, you guys are laughing at me right now; but my personal friends could attest how serious I am when I said that I wouldn’t love anymore. But people change, so does opinions. And right now, I think I am ready for a major overhauling of my life. I’m awkwardly stepping out of my safe zone – far enough to make me feel the wonder of love which I have long forgotten, and close enough to go back to what I used to be when I am an inch closer to pain already...

Geez. I think this will get another getting used to.

Learning Life's Lessons from Naruto

credits as tagged
I have always rejected my friends when they tell me to read Naruto during college. I was so obsessed with my KPOP addiction back then that I couldn't find my way out in order to appreciate other things. I thought Naruto would be a story about ninjas who just keep on fighting and would not make sense.

But apparently, I got it all wrong.

Driven by the constant blabbers of my friends, I decided to give it a try. I refused to watch the anime since video loading and downloads aren't really the specialty of my internet provider. And I prefer it when I read so  yeah, I went over the manga from chapter to chapter and finished the 564 chapters in two weeks :) LOVELY.

But what makes the thing more special is that I was given a glimpse of who I really am. Indeed, what adults will never really understand is that there lies the greatest lessons in life in things they think are just for kids.. like this series. Honestly, I see a bit of myself in every character. Further, I was driven to understand life more.

Death, pain, hatred... These are the things which make living difficult. There's no way we could get away from it. But Naruto taught me that self-sacrifice is something that could change it, and much more, acceptance that love could revolutionize it all.

We all dream of a peaceful world yet we don't know how to start it. Our determination lacks. We are constantly overruled by the desire to avenge ourselves and our loved ones against people who have hurt us all. And if we triumphed over them, they will avenge us too together with their kin. That's the reason why hate wouldn't end.

The manga is yet to finish and so we're yet to be given ideas as to how we could achieve peace. But with this 564 chapters, I already am thankful that one of the greatest lessons in life have been carved in my heart and convinced me that I really should be an instrument of change...

And I won't go back on my word. Because that should be my ninja way. :)


credit as tagged

Thank you, Gai-Sensei.

Why I Choose to Stay Single

After a lot of heartbreaks and misfortunes on romance, I have decided to call it quits. I have turned my back on the possibility that someone will come to me and tell me he loves me more than anything else in the world. For me, nobody can do that. Not even me, anymore. I believe that only God and my family (perhaps) can provide me unconditional love; everybody else would really just come and go and take advantage of what I can do and what I can be to them.

It has been years already since I shun away from the possibilities of love. There have been a lot of people who would constantly tell me that believing in romance and having a family are the two most important things for a woman. 

And the more they tell me about it, the more I realize that I really should stay single.

Who wants to grow old without anyone by his/her side? I fear that part too. Seriously. I hate being alone, but I have to constantly stay away from the possible heartaches of being toyed with and lied to. But you see, I don't want to believe on love just because I fear being alone...

I want to believe on love because it made itself believable.

My first reason why I decide to stay single is because the men I meet are too obsessed with the physical attributes of women. They set physical qualities as basis to the definition of beautiful. The inner self of the lady comes secondary to them. Yes, I know and I understand that first impression is important; but as many guys continuously treat ladies as trophies, there's no way I would mingle with Cupid.

Then a lot of people also tell me that I should believe in a relationship/marriage because it's difficult to walk in this life alone, considering the problems of everyday living; and from that I get my second reason why I would rather stay single.

You see, I don't want to get into a romantic relationship because I need someone to depend on. Sure thing, this is the main objective why people call each other 'partners', but sometimes, it just becomes so overrated - because from my experiences, no man I loved have ever let me lean on their shoulder to cry. That's how it has always been with me... and I would rather tell myself that I am alone than claim to have a partner but then feel so isolated, still.

Well, it's not just with partners, actually. It's the same with having children. Many would tell me that I should get married and have kids so that I would have someone to take care of me when I am old. And I don't like the idea.

To me, nothing sucks than investing on people. Yes, I don't want my future kids (if there is) to feel that I raised them up to assure myself that there'd be someone to take care of me when I grow old and sickly. I don't want to take care of kids and then later on oblige them to take care of me so they can give back to what I did for them. That's downright unfair for these young ones.

There are a lot of things why I wouldn't settle for a contract with Cupid. And the main issue would be trust, I guess. But somehow, I just don't want to be unfair with myself. Having been bet on, toyed with, used, lied to... it has become difficult for me to believe that some guys are different. 

Friends would tell me that maybe, I haven't just met the right guy yet. Well, yes, I think so too. And I think I haven't found myself yet. Truth is, a part of me still believes in love. It's just that I want to love without conditions, and I want to feel the same from other party. But that just seems impossible; because even if I could give that, no one would be capable of giving it back - especially to me. 

Majority of the problem lies with me, probably, too. If I would be ready to accept all flaws, then I think that's the time when I should start believing on love again..

But not yet now, I guess. 

Hardwork Surpasses Genius

Lately, I've been depressed about things that I couldn't do. My frustrations has overwhelmed me a bit and sent me off the track. But as I unwind through reading Naruto manga on, I came across this dialogue of Rock Lee from Chapter 38:

Sometimes, the most unexpected lessons in life can be picked up from readings which this world thinks are only for kids. :)

In the story, Rock Lee mastered Taijutsu to compensate for his inability to perfect other kinds of jutsu like the Genjutsu and Ninjutsu. So that's like mastering Martial Arts to fight against magic. And through his abilities, he managed to defeat Sasuke on their first match, which he actually insisted.

Now that's determination.

You see, we've been too tangled with the thoughts of failing. Just because we couldn't do something - which others can, we begin to think low of ourselves. But what we fail to realize is that no matter how complex things might seem to be, HARDWORK SURPASSES GENIUS. That alone, when deeply instilled on our minds, is a strong motivating factor for us to excel on our own and continue living.

Life is difficult, especially that the world is so judgmental. But like how Rock Lee puts it, the ability to stand out and gain respect from everyone does not depend on looks, bloodlines, or clans. Sometimes, it just takes a little hard work.

On the New Design of the NAIA Terminal 1

reup on Youtube by The Technograph

So we all know about the recent talks about the Ninoy Aquino International Airport (NAIA) Terminal 1 being the worst airport in the whole world. The news hurt the Filipino pride and because of that, top personalities on design and architecture have come up with a glamorous plan in restructuring and reinventing the transportation hub.

Disclaimer first. I haven't been into the terminal. I am yet to ride a plane. But I've been to NAIA to send relatives off and welcome them back. I have experienced the annoyance on the washroom, but it's probably because I was outside that it was so crowded then. And basing it on my grandmother's stories (who is also a citizen of Australia) - and my preference on the magnificent Incheon Airport, I am convinced that yes, NAIA Terminal 3 has to be renovated.

In this pro-bono (for the public) design of Kenneth Cobonpue, Budji Layug and Royal Pineda, the hope in me for this terminal sparked ablaze. Although it's only the facade that is shown here, I know that the interior will not be set aside. This is the first time I heard of the names but as a Filipino, I am putting my great trust on these three minds. I think I'd rather do that than trust the traditional ones. 

Lost in this Rude World, Blocking Everything Else

Admit it or not, this is a rude world we’re in. Most of the time, the worth of a person is measured by the amount of wealth stored on his/her bank account, the number of people who looks up to him/her, or by the measurement of one’s vital statistics. After all, it is always first impression that lasts; and it’s just sad to say that many people base their initial impressions on these worldly things.

Being a fat, poor and unpopular person that I am, I find it difficult to exist in a society which is presented to me. So the tendency is I stay away. I keep myself for myself alone because I no longer want to feel the pain of rejection. It always happen – never fails. I grew tired of being judged and wronged. I grew tired of having to change myself just to have a position in this two-faced society.

As I’ve said, I stay away from the crowd. I began to hate everybody. It is outright wrong, but you see, I’d rather choose to denounce everyone else than continue being a laughing stock.

For how many years that I’ve been this way, my ability to trust people easily left me. I am now more cautious; I am now doubtful. I thought it was a good thing because it’s like I’ve turned my safety on. But last night, when I somehow accepted the fact that this is not who I am either, I could no longer find the way back to the person that I should really be.

So instead of being happy, I must admit that now, I feel like a lost child again. Somehow, I feel that this is even worse because before, it was the world which I’m battling against. Now it’s me versus myself.

Truth is: I don’t know if I could win. I am still under construction and a work on progress. There’s even no assurance that I’ll get finished as I am still looking for some lost parts of me.

Until now, I blame the world for being so rude. But you know what? I blame myself more for being so weak. All the ill-fated things that happened to me are just products of karma. After all, I was never a good person in the past.

So maybe, I deserve this… or maybe not.

For You... From Tablo.

I am not a Tablo die-hard fanatic. I love him, and Epik High, though. I was one of the millions who got affected and sympathized with him when he was on his darkest moments of his life...

And now that he's back in the game, he starts anew and posted this image on his Facebook fan page. 

Just by the message, "May the sky rain down smiles," you would easily sense that behind the bad-boy looking rapper is a genius personality which thinks before doing anything... And the "Thank you for breathing" is just too wonderful not to be apprehended.

I do not know Tablo that much. But I can tell you that he's a wonderful person. His music speaks of who he is. And if you listen to it, you'll know that you have just known one of the most important people this world has ever produced. ^^

The Joy in Writing Fanfics

I can still remember.

I never liked fan fictions. I was already a delusional fan and I do not want to add more fuel to the fire, or it will be more obvious. Plus, I couldn't stand reading stories on the computer because it makes my eyes hurt. I don't have a printer and I wouldn't really spend money printing something which I couldn't use for a long time.

But you see, things change. And before I knew it, I have written more than 20 fan fictions already... and I'm writing more.

Literally confused with myself, I tried to narrow down my reasons why I started reading - and writing - these fictional stories about my idols. And one thing I found out: It's because fanfictions allow us, fans, to satisfy our delusions more than anything else.

You see, Super Junior does not live in a Big Brother house. I couldn't see them 24/7; and since I want them to enjoy their privacy, I divert my attentions and let my imaginations answer all the questions in my mind about the group.

So that's basically the purpose of fanfictions to me. I just do not know if I share the same thoughts with people.

Now to people reading my fictions, what else could I say but thank you? :) Sharing the same thoughts with me, guys... you're all the best. <3

Philippine Passport Application

I waited for almost a month, and this afternoon, my passport got delivered and now I can go to wherever (countries that do not require visas) whenever I wanted. <3

Furthermore, I now have a very official ID. haha! It's terribly difficult when you only have your employment ID in the Philippines. Some establishments do not let you transact with them using it, alone. So now that I have a passport, I could now open accounts without too much pakiusapan. haha!

I think I have to commend the DFA for fast processing. Compared to other governmental institutions *cough*COMELEC*cough*, I think this department is much more efficient. yay!

That is why Filipinos should not be really worried about getting a passport. It's easy and it's fast. Here's a brief guide on the steps (under the cut):

We Know But We Don’t.

We know exactly what we have to do, but for some blatant or obscure reasons, we do not want to do it.
I am a living proof, and I know much are like me. We constantly complain, we constantly question everything. We want everything to change, but it should be instant – like magic.
But there is no such thing as magic.We were just so idealistic that we fail to realize that it’s not a fantasy land we’re in. We forget that we are in a world where everything must be worked for, where everything is real.
Look. When we’re hurt, we tend to cry, scream, curse a lot, and even blame other people. Then we wish it’ll end soon. Then we woke up the next morning, with the same feeling, so we question God why He let you wake up with the pain.
Gosh. Once again, life’s not magic. Healing is not an overnight process. If it is, nobody can be called “strong”.
And we shouldn’t question God. We should question Him for the repeated cycle of our heartaches and disappointments. We’re not in the position to do so, and we’re clueless of His plans.
Here’s the catch: We hurt because of mistakes, and since we hurt for the same reasons, it means we commit the same mistakes.
And we know how to make it right, but we are so stubborn to do so. Because we don’t want things slow. Because we want it abrupt, we want it instant.
That’s why we’re stuck with the past. We tend to dwell on what’s no longer there. And as we commit the same mistakes over and over again, we get hurt like it’s never gonna end.
Everyone, here’s one truth we have to face: we have a choice. We always have the options. So please pick the best one, and never regret.

Even if It's Raining Bullets and Blood...

WRITTEN: 8/25/10
Manila has always been my favorite place ever since. When I was a kid, I would always ask my mother to bring me there to play. During high school, I prefer to go there after Christmas parties to witness the sunset rather than go to malls and spend money playing arcades. When I went to college, Manila has been my constant refuge. Whenever I feel sad, I will go there alone and sit by the bay or walk around Quirino Grandstand. And just when I thought that I have escaped from its shadows, I found my work there. And everyday since April 2010, I pass by my favorite place and admire how wonderful it is.
There are many beautiful memories in Manila. But the image of perfection was ruined by a night of bloodshed and wron impressions. Ah! What I’d give to change the country’s fate.
When I learned of the incident, my insides burned. I then realized how lucky I was that our office just moved to Makati. Should we still be in Malate, we would surely be hearing the gun fires as we’re just a few minutes of walk away from the place.
Definitely, that’s gonna be traumatic.
But more than the fear, I am very saddened by the sudden actions undertaken and reactions expressed by different people. The Philippines is once again in the hot water… uh, boiling, if I may say.
You see, years have passed and we must admit that we are still under construction. We are a work undone, but we are trying hard. We are doing the best we can to uplift the heritage that was once on top. We’ve been trying so hard to show the better side of the country. We try hard to become a nation.
We have proven our worth for a lot of times already. And yes, we got recognized. Our people do good. Our people excel. And admit it or not, the world benefits from us too.
But one mistake, one night; the image of a beautiful Manila is destroyed. Worse, the whole Philippines was declared by CNN as the WORST PLACE TO GO TO. Ironic, isn’t it? To think that just recently, they have declared a Filipino as their Person of the Year.
And this happened because of one man who wants to be heard. Because of one incident, because of one atrocity.
Yes, it happened in the Philippines and the suspect is a Filipino. Yes, our police force is under-trained and could be mightily responsible for the bloody ending. Yes, our medics are late in responding to emergencies. Yes, our media must also take account of what happened.
But does it have to be spitted on our faces each time we turn on the TV, each time we listen to the radio, each time we surf the net? Look. We are a third-world country, yes, but we know what happened.
Honestly, it’s not the fact that a fellow Filipino did that hurts me. It is the generalization of thousands of people around the world that scars me the most.
When the issue was made known, I know this is going to happen. We’ll be banned from Hongkong and China. We’ll be called names. We’ll be tagged as a dangerous country.
But somehow, *cough*CNN*cough*, that’s yellow journalism to me.
The mistake of a few does not define who we are as a nation. The violence shown by the people involved does not mean all Filipinos are doing the same. I understand where you guys are coming from. But truth is, blaming others for the sake of blaming someone is absurd. And condemning and making our people suffer in return to what happened to your people is worse. Life is not about revenge. That is a fact that we all must get straight.
My race is more than what others think. There may be some lapses but as one forumer said, every country does have flaws. It’s just that all eyes are on us, always.
I guess that is the problem there. The world thinks so low of my country like we don’t stand a chance of changing. One wrong move erases all the right things done. We are under prying criticisms. Maybe, I’ll accept if it is the people from China or Hong Kong that will speak ill of us, but no… Comments come from people who are not involved; people who do not have even the slightest idea of how Philippines really is.
Honestly, I feel apologetic. But as one forumer said, apologies should come from those Filipinos directly involved.
Indeed, he made me realize that pride is the only thing left to us now. And at this point in time, it’s what we all need to possess. I’ve been reading posts on different sites saying the Philippines is a shit country and that they want to leave. But I say otherwise. This is the time when my motherland needs me the most. And I’m not abandoning her.
Because I believe on the ability of my people. Because believing on them means believing in myself, too.
I cried for the lives lost. I cried for the shame brought to the country. I condemn the incident. But I can’t always hide. I have to come out and tell the whole world that despite what happened, we are still moving forward.
It may be ironic to see may say these things. But though my KPOP addiction is rampant, I’ll forever be craving for balot and isaw. I’ll still watch Manny Pacquiao’s games and be proud of Ms. Venus Raj. I’ll still bring my foreign cousins to Luneta whenever they come here. I’ll still breathe the smog of Makati everytime I go to work. I’ll still play with death (^^) whenever I ride the LRT…
I’ll bring back the image of the Manila I’ve known to my mind. Because like what we’re trying to tell the world,
And after all, I’m still a Filipina. And NOTHING MAJOR MAJOR will change that. Even if it’s raining bullets and blood.

When You’re No Longer Happy, Quit.

I was raised believing that quitting signifies weakness. I spent half of my life believing so. Thank God, I have given myself a chance to be critical. If not, I couldn’t have known that quitting was never a move for losers…
It’s indeed a move done by brave people.
I have decided to file my resignation today. And I tell you, there are no regrets. I tell people that it’s in order for me to do my fangirling well or so I can stalk X-Crew fulltime… But truthfully, it’s because I’m no longer happy.
As I’ve said before, employment isn’t just about how much I earn. It’s not just about the fact that I work in Makati City. Because it is more than paychecks and impression. Definitely more than those two things.
To me, employment is about doing what I want to do, practicing what I have learned to do and being the best at it.
To me, employment is waking up every morning, feeling the excitement of going to work knowing that I’d be productive the whole day.
To me, employment is stressing myself because the pressure is building up everytime I look in the calendar and see a deadline.
To me, employment is being extremely busy that I could no longer find time to sleep.. Always tired but always fulfilled.
To me, employment is dealing with people who has the same belief and passion as mine.
To me, employment is knowing what you’re doing, why you’re doing it and what you’re doing it for.
To me, employment is not just making a living but living a life.
Quitting has been my only option to live the life I’ve always dreamed of. Even though there’s no assurance of how my future may be.

The Power of Words

Words cut deeper than a knife. I know that so well because I, myself, have tried using a pen as my sword… for numerous times already.
But then again, words cut deep. Especially when the person reading it can read between the lines.
I don’t know why but I am sensitive with words. It can make or break me. Pleasant statements bring me much motivation but hurtful accusations can bring me down.
Geez. This is worse than writing about that hater.
I just don’t know anymore. The truth dawned on me in an instant, crushing the little faith I have on myself. The fear is emerging victorious. The words ‘shouldn’t have done that, shouldn’t have did this’ are resounding through my head.


Paranoia on the loose. Kthnxbie.