Seeing My Parents' Worth

Now that everything I've dreaded is happening, I am trying to find even just a good thing from all these heartaches. I know that everything happens for a reason and God allows me to go through it because I have to learn something. And I think I have finally realized what I should have realized ages ago.

Parents are priceless.

This is pure drama when we think about it, but I thought of the same. I thought that I do not need to show my affection towards my parents because at the end of each day, they will still love me for what I am. But you know what? When I saw how my mom is taking care of my grandmother, I realized that there will come a time that I will be like my mom and my mom will be like my lola. That's how life is, after all. I should just be prepared.

And you know, a part of preparation is to let them know how much I love them and how much I appreciate each and every thing they do for me. I literally owe them my life so while there is time, I have to give back to whatever they have sacrificed for me.

I know this is selfish and kinda stupid to think but I'm now seeing things without my lola in the picture. You know, it's difficult to accept but sooner or later, it's gonna happen so I might as well prepare myself already. Thinking this way doesn't mean I don't love her. I do, so much. But I do not want to get so hurt. I know she's ready to leave, and I might as well be ready.

So as I clean the house this morning, I saw the little space where their bed is (in the first floor) and I realized that I want to get a small room constructed there for them. I could already, anyway. I just have to work hard. And then, I will have that air-conditioned, and there should be a television with cable channel, a DVD player, and lots of Korean dramas and war movies.

And then I will work hard to buy them plane tickets. I want my dad to experience how it is to ride a plane. Bohol? Davao? Palawan? I don't know where yet, but as soon as I can, I promise I'll bring the whole family to a vacation.

Then I'll make sure that all their birthdays will be celebrated. I will let them invite their friends over the house and make sure that they'll have lots of fun. As early as now, I want to value family more so even though I don't really like it, I should let their relatives come to the house for some parties.

I want them to just relax. I do not want to see them cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or making market trips. I want to be the one to do that; if not, I'll get others to do that. I will pay for a house-helper if it's not too much.

And lastly, I want them to just keep their money for themselves. Just like how Mama did it with Lola, I will keep all their money so that if time comes that they need that for medicine, we know where to get it.

I know I'm thinking so much but you see, these are the only things I can do for my parents. I love them so much, and now that I learned that separation with them is inevitable, I want to make the best out of everyday we're together.

This isn't really something worth reading. But for some who are able to understand my poiint, I know that reading an account of someone else isn't really that convincing. But it's better to take me for example so that you will not waste time in disregarding the people you owe your lives to.

Get Well Soon, Lola


I know this will never get to you. There is no chance you're gonna use the internet and there is no way I could even tell you this in person. But despite all the shyness and cowardice, I just want to tell you that I am sorry for everything I have done and I should have done. I know I'm not the perfect granddaughter but you loved me the same.

Unlike my other cousins, I didn't grow up with you beside me. I was never close to you and frankly, I hated you for being so strict with me. Everytime you go home to the Philippines for a vacation, you will always scold me and my parents like we weren't part of your family. When I started understanding things, I hated you for leaving my mother behind and bringing all your other children with you to Australia. I hated you for the fact that you forgot you still have a daughter and grandchildren left in the Philippines.

But you know, when I learned of what you're going through in Australia, I realized that you were suffering enough to be hated. I started communicating with you and tried hard until I established a good relationship with you when I was in college.

Mommy asked for your help and for three years, you financed my education. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to graduate. I wouldn't have been able to do what I really wanted. When I graduated, you sent me a laptop because you believe that it will help me in the future; and now I'm using it for work, I just want you to know that you were right.

Lola, there may be times when I got rude and I always side on my mother whenever you two fight. I often see you as someone selfish for attention but you know, now I understand that it's all just part of growing old. And from the bottom of my heart, I apologize.

I know I couldn't give back to the sacrifices you did for me. It may not be as much as what you did for my other cousins but I still look up to you because just like what Ate Mary said, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have our parents.

Now that you're suffering, I am sorry that I couldn't take care of you like how you expect us all to do. I couldn't bear to see you in a way you are right now. If only you know how much I wanted to cry when I was in the hospital and you were just screaming at my mom saying you're tired... I was just laughing when you're doing your silly hallucinations saying God's getting angry with you, as well as the Holy Spirit; but deep inside me, I want to cry because I know you're suffering so much already.

Lola, if only I could free you, I would. If only I could be strong enough for my mom  and let you go, I would. I don't want to see you suffer anymore, but I couldn't let you go. I know this sounds selfish but I don't want to see my mom sad. And I don't want you to leave with the feeling of incompleteness because you weren't able to get the reconciliation you wanted from your children in Australia.

Please be strong. Then when things get fine, I'll wholeheartedly offer you to God... and that way, you wouldn't think He's getting angry with you anymore.

I love you, Lola. I love you very much. :'(