I'm a self-confessed Korean drama buff. I love romantic comedies because it feels so refreshing to watch. Seeing the characters act so lovey-dovey and cute to each other every scene and watching the conflicts arise and get solved makes me believe that perhaps, love does work. It sparks the hope in me...
but at the same time, it kills.
There is always a side B to everything and I guess, this is what watching Korean dramas has to offer. After the excitement from the scenes dies down, I then enter the phase of questioning myself. Pity overwhelms as I often wonder why such things never happen to me. It's probably because of my being a hopeless romantic, but I think it's more of I'm a girl who just wants to feel wanted.
Whatever I say and no matter how much effort I put in putting up my fortress and facade, moments do come when I just have to admit - even to myself - that I am not okay. Seeing the female leads in dramas I watch find their princes and falling in love and live their happily-ever-afters put me in a terrible state of jealousy because no matter how I think about it, I just can't be like them.
Of course, I know they're fictional; but I don't want to sound so depressed by pointing out that I do get envious of other girls in real life. If you know me personally and you're reading this blog, consider yourselves lucky because there is no way I'm gonna admit that fact in person. This blog is meant to show the real pains inside me so I'm not letting that out in reality.
The truth is, I sometimes get to that stage where I would rather not watch anything; but maybe, I really have a thing for self-infliction of pain that I can't seem to say no to dramas. Addiction? No, it's probably because at the back of my mind, I'm still hoping...
that maybe, just maybe... something like that will happen to me too.
This is more of a hopeless case, right? There's just no chance. People do base their first impressions on the outside appearance of a person and I guess no one is just interested enough to look through who I really am? Everytime I try to let out my feelings and you know, hope that it would get reciprocated, nothing works. It all ends to a situation where they would tell me I'm too good for them though I clearly know they're all lying, or maybe I'm too demanding and whatnot when I simply want to feel like someone actually cares. Asking for one message to not let you worry is not too much right?
But for all of them, it is.
Judging through what happened, I have long realized that I am the problem. Maybe even my inner character's not really a nice one to deal with.
Such an unlucky person I am. HAHAHA. That's a strong possibility because I am just me.. Why would I compare myself to those Korean actress anyway? HAHA
It's the celebration of Christ the King yesterday. As a part of the documentation team of our parish, I was out there taking pictures with three other friends. The event marks the end of the liturgical year, and is thus an event to celebrate for Catholics. If you ask me, it really is a moment I always get excited for. I get to take a lot of pictures and run around like crazy without anyone telling me off, simply because I wear the uniform.
Taking photos and creating designs for parochial events had long been my form of service. I thought that I wanted to do for the church what I think I do best; hence, this status. For all this time, I have convinced myself that this is how I practice my faith. I always tell God that I do this so He would constantly hear my prayers.
But yesterday, I was made to question such belief by one person.
I don't know him. I might have seen him around the church already but I don't know him at all. But as we were at the first station, I saw him behind the honor guards from Knights of Columbus and was following closely the priests carrying the monstrance. He wasn't singing along when I first noticed him. He was actually murmuring what seemed to be prayers while with that seemingly crying face on. I must admit I didn't pay that much attention, believing that maybe he was just, you know, exaggerating his emotions. And so I left.
I forgot about the man until my next encounter with him. We were already at the outdoor altar of the parish and I was standing with a friend behind the altar servers when he suddenly came up and stood beside me holding a candle.
I can't remember well but I think it was on 2001 when I first began my ministry as a member of the youth commission in the Parish of St. Francis of Assisi. I remember, the first activity I took part in in the parish is a dance number with the officers for the birthday of our newly-appointed parish priest, Monsignor Eppie Castro. How fast time flies that 12 years had passed and tomorrow, he's leaving Meycauayan for Paombong in Northern Bulacan.
To be honest, I feel really sad with this departure. Everybody knows I can't handle goodbyes that well. Papa Mons (as we all call him) has been one of the closest priests in my heart simply because he had become a good father figure for all of us in the church. Of course, he's far from being perfect. We all have what we have to dislike about him, but no one can say that we didn't appreciate him.
What makes Papa Mons a really memorable person is that he had played a great role in honing my faith as a church leader. It is under his administration that I had developed myself into someone who goes to church for service. More than the chocolates and treats, it is his being fun to be with and approachable that probably grounded me in this situation. I wonder how my faith would be now if he wasn't a part of it.
That is why as he departs for St. James the Apostle Parish in Paombong, Bulacan tomorrow, I pray that he'll have a great time there. Together with Fr. Sasi, I hope that God gives them both the strength to lead a new community to a stronger faith. I really pray that the people there will treat them with respect and understanding just like how we did in Meycauayan. I hope the parishioners will cooperate with them with everything.
And as both are getting old already, I just pray that they always be kept safe from harm. I know Mama Mary will guide them all the time, though.
It's a very fruitful and exciting 12 years with Papa Mons, and as sad as it is that we have to part, I know that someday, we'll see each other soon. Meycauayan is not too far from Paombong, especially with the existence of NLEX, hehe.
To say I'm scared is completely an understatement. I am terrified.
The worst typhoon to ever be formed in the world this year is proving its strength in the central part of the Philippines at the moment. The Typhoon Haiyan (local name, Yolanda) is currently inside the Philippine Area of Responsibility, and is threatening us with up to Signal #4 warnings. International news claim it's a Category 5 typhoon which is as strong as the most destructive cyclones in the Atlantic.
Before press time, I went out the house and stared at the night sky. I was surprised by the presence of the stars. The calm made me feel very eerie, but in the end, I basked on the positive. I choose to believe that the stars were there before the storm to remind me to hold on, because whatever happens, it's all going to be okay.
At the moment, light rain is pouring in my location. In the Visayas region which will suffer the direct hit of the typhoon, storm signal #4 is already raised on several provinces. It's a terrifying situation, considering that the typhoon hasn't reached land yet. It's still in the ocean, yet it's already Signal #1 in Manila.
Everyone is scared. I, myself, can no longer sleep. The trauma is kicking in again and I cannot breathe properly anymore. Should the rain strengthen, I am pretty sure I'll end up shaking and palpitating again.
But you know what keeps me strong? Faith.
The typhoons and monsoons that we experienced brought me to my knees in fear, but taught me to take advantage of the position. I learned to pray and depend on my faith. Constant prayers for guidance and strength had become my mantra when it comes to occurrences like this. No one can save us except God, after all.
Of course, I've gone through doubting as well. I questioned His help. I questioned His existence. But you know? I regretted that so much because it was a terrible mistake. I failed to believe, yet He still saved us.
And now that the biggest storm is coming our way, I am trying to be very calm. It's not easy, but prayers do wonders. Prayers produce miracles. I know that as long as I hold on tight to my God, my mother Mary and my brother Jesus, we'll all be safe.
Let's continue praying for the Philippines. I'm asking everyone for help.
I am never the type of person to show my affections towards my immediate family members. I may be tagged as sweet and thoughtful, but never did I have the courage to show them that side of me. Sometimes, I even wonder if the real 'me' is the cold-hearted one which I take myself for, instead of the warm person that I am with friends.
Geez. I have so much to say, don't I?
The point though is: I want to dedicate my November to my family. I have stepped into reality already and had begun journeying to a future I'm trying to control and design. Of course, I need my family with me. Because I will never be who I am without them.
They wouldn't know but my main goal in life is to give them everything. I may always act like a brat and a jerk and a selfish individual, but I sacrifice myself a lot that some friends would even urge me to pay attention to my own needs and desires.
But at this moment, I don't think I can do that yet. I know I buy things for myself and I go to places to rest; but the general idea of everything I do is to give my parents and my brother a better life. I know this is kinda weird but they are also the reason why I don't get into relationships. No, they don't really stop me or whatever; but it was my own decision to put myself on second place.
Every night in my prayers, I always beg God to take care of my family. The painful incident we went through when my grandmother was still alive traumatized me so much that I practically traded my happiness just so nothing will happen to them. I know I'm being selfish and I'm being ridiculous because at the end of the day, it's still for my own sake; but I want to believe that I really just want them all to be okay all the time.
So yeah, November's going to be for them; and hopefully, the rest of my years too. I plan to take them out to dates and buy them things and you know, just let them feel that I have found my place now and I appreciate all their efforts.
I'm excited. :)