Admit it or not, this is a rude world we’re in. Most of the time, the worth of a person is measured by the amount of wealth stored on his/her bank account, the number of people who looks up to him/her, or by the measurement of one’s vital statistics. After all, it is always first impression that lasts; and it’s just sad to say that many people base their initial impressions on these worldly things.
Being a fat, poor and unpopular person that I am, I find it difficult to exist in a society which is presented to me. So the tendency is I stay away. I keep myself for myself alone because I no longer want to feel the pain of rejection. It always happen – never fails. I grew tired of being judged and wronged. I grew tired of having to change myself just to have a position in this two-faced society.
As I’ve said, I stay away from the crowd. I began to hate everybody. It is outright wrong, but you see, I’d rather choose to denounce everyone else than continue being a laughing stock.
For how many years that I’ve been this way, my ability to trust people easily left me. I am now more cautious; I am now doubtful. I thought it was a good thing because it’s like I’ve turned my safety on. But last night, when I somehow accepted the fact that this is not who I am either, I could no longer find the way back to the person that I should really be.
So instead of being happy, I must admit that now, I feel like a lost child again. Somehow, I feel that this is even worse because before, it was the world which I’m battling against. Now it’s me versus myself.
Truth is: I don’t know if I could win. I am still under construction and a work on progress. There’s even no assurance that I’ll get finished as I am still looking for some lost parts of me.
Until now, I blame the world for being so rude. But you know what? I blame myself more for being so weak. All the ill-fated things that happened to me are just products of karma. After all, I was never a good person in the past.
So maybe, I deserve this… or maybe not.