I am 22 and never for once in my life did I experience a serious kind of relationship. I’m not downing myself but it is truth when I say that all the relationships I’ve gone into were really not worth it and none of the men I loved managed to make me feel that they could love me back. Of course, there were times when I would feel special but, never loved.
This is kind of embarrassing to admit but during the time when I still believe in romance, I experienced a lot of heartaches. I experienced: being betted upon, taken revenge on, used to make an ex jealous (without my consent), used to cover up the pain of breaking up (without my consent), played at, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and being ashamed about. For these reasons, I turned my back on love. For the past three years, I’ve been shielding my heart and rejected every possibility with creatures called ‘men’. I grew mad at their existence and began to distrust all of them. I denounced Cupid and repeatedly questioned God why I am so unfortunate in this field of life.
But yesterday, things have abruptly changed. It was unplanned. It was uncalled for. But as I was on a date yesterday with a close friend from UE, I suddenly told her that I guess, it’s time already that I open up my heart, forget the past and finally admit to myself that like any other person, I am in need of love.
And I am ready to turn my safety on hibernate.
It wasn’t a good idea, probably. But my friend sure was elated. She has been waiting all our friendship’s life to hear me say that I’m ready to fall in love again. It’s funny because I think I have waited all these three years for me to hear myself say those things too.
But I’ve got a condition on myself before I fully let go of my safety blanket. I want to complete myself on my own. As I told my friend yesterday, I don’t want to get into a relationship just because I want the void in me to be filled. I do not want to love a person out of necessity because if in the event that the guy I decided to fall in love with turns out to be another jerk who doesn’t deserve to live, I wouldn’t care much because I am already complete.
I know it sounds selfish but I think, this time, I would rather be the one to fill the void.
Maybe, you guys are laughing at me right now; but my personal friends could attest how serious I am when I said that I wouldn’t love anymore. But people change, so does opinions. And right now, I think I am ready for a major overhauling of my life. I’m awkwardly stepping out of my safe zone – far enough to make me feel the wonder of love which I have long forgotten, and close enough to go back to what I used to be when I am an inch closer to pain already...
Geez. I think this will get another getting used to.