I guess I'm at the peak of my attempt to get away from everything, and I guess that at some point of my life, I really do have to accept the fact that I am incomplete. I've been trying my best to shove off the thought of noticing my void for a long time now and I think it's about time that I loosen up a little; and admit to myself that I am not okay.
Romance isn't really a good thing to blame but I couldn't think of any other things that would actually cause me to this. I, after all, is still vulnerable - that despite my silly pretenses and fake iron masks and armors, I am still a woman needing to find someone to whom I would mean the world.
But yeah, impossible. And no, don't consult me with the thought that I am soon gonna be fine; because I know it's my fault that I am not. And I don't want others to put salt on my wounds more.
Yes, it is I who inflicts this freaking pain in me. If I want it, I could always pick out a guy from my list and make him my boyfriend to compensate with myself. But NO. I'm not doing that. That'll never be in my options. Because: one, I don't like using people; and two, I know how painful it is to feel used for this kind of matter.
I know I'm incomplete and that's why I'm getting depressed right now. But it's the very same reason why I really don't want to get into a relationship at all. I don't want to find a partner just because I want someone to fill the void in me. I want to find a partner who I can share my completeness with. I want to find someone who I wouldn't depend on for happiness, because I want to find that joy by myself.
I choose not to be unfair to others even if I would be damn unfair with myself. Living is too short. I don't want to waste time playing with guys, or I don't want guys treating me like a disposable toy. I've had too much of that.
But I don't know.
Damn it. Reading too much fanfictions would really be the death of me.