Last night, my mom and I had a heart-to-heart talk about my grandmother's situation. Since her siblings had abandoned us with the decision and we're already bankrupt, we've arrived with one. After a month in the hospital (two weeks of which was spent in the ICU), we have finally decided to give up.
It wasn't an easy decision for my mom. Signing a waver means letting my grandmother expire already. Everybody's telling us that it's the best thing to do if we want all these sacrifices (hers and ours) to end. We've done everything anyway and she's too old already to survive. Even our family doctor had advised us to let go already. The plan is to remove all the machines (except the respirator and tube) and transfer her to an ordinary room, and just wait for death to come. And that will be the most painful part.
You see, death can come in two ways. First, abrupt. Second, gradual. We're praying that God takes her in one flick of the finger, or while we're all asleep. Because to see her dying slowly will kill us too. It will definitely create the most painful and horrible memory of all.
But either way, my mom fears that guilt will eat her alive. It was the most difficult part of the conversation. I ended up telling her that I'll carry the guilt instead so she may live properly with her life. She's not getting any younger after all. She deserves to live the life. Though as much as possible, I am trying to talk her into believing that whatever will happen is not her fault. She did everything she can, and dedicated all her life to Nanay. Like what our friend said, she had already given back to her mom. Now that's we're on a crossroads, it's okay to choose.
Indeed, people will really come to the point when they will have to choose between two indispensable parts of their lives. As I told my mom, the trick here is to choose what she thinks is the lesser evil. In our situation, I told her to choose to give up because aside from the fact that Nanay is already 87 years old, we still have a family whose future we should consider. After all, there's no assurance that my grandmother will survive even after we exhaust everything.
We've used practicality as an excuse, and that is sometimes the worst enemy of morality. Many people, like us, come across crossroads thinking that doing so would mean committing euthanasia. I've raised this point when I talked to my friend priests. Then, they told me that it's going to be fine, and that my mom will just do what is best for those who are still young enough to enjoy a future.
My heart is hurting. It's gonna be very difficult starting tomorrow, for sure, when my mother signs the waver. But somehow, I'm more at ease now. I know that soon, it's gonna be all over. Nanay will be emancipated from all these sufferings and will be able to rest peacefully with Lolo. And we may move on with our lives, remembering how we owe it all to her.
Just one last thing... I pray that God will give us enough courage to go through the impending pain of seeing her in the worst condition ever... and enough strength to handle the repercussions of our decision, as well as carry all the responsibilities which will be left behind.
`Nay, saglit nalang po... uuwi na tayo...