Perhaps, my decision to call January 'Faith' was just appropriate. Because right after I decided to do so, I was put to test. Life had actually dumped me a major challenge in which I needed to practice my resolutions on.
Christmas Day, my grandmother was rushed to the hospital. She spent two days in the ICU already but was brought out of it before New Year's Day. But as the new year kicked in, we were advised to bring her back to it because doctors said she was in a critical condition.
It was a very frightening moment. That Sunday when I learned and saw my grandmother being suctioned by the nurses, it dawned to me how serious the situation was. Any moment, she could be taken away from us. Mom and Daddy were pondering whether to give up and just bring her home; but I insisted not to. I pointed out that we hadn't exhausted all means and options yet. Although it would cost us a lot, we needed to do everything we can because I will never be able to live up to the guilty feeling that I didn't do my best to save her.
FAITH IN GOD
Eventually, mom and dad agreed. That night, I went to mass blank and all. Friends saw me laughing although I couldn't hide the fact that I'm not okay. All I was thinking was the bills. I know my grandmother would get by just fine, although I told God to just let His will be done; so what bothered me most was the question 'where will I get the money to pay for the bills?'
That moment, I knew my faith in God was being tested. Until now, it felt horrible that I am wavering again - because I'm looking for immediate answers. I have forgotten that GOD WILL PROVIDE, and I admit that I am still finding it difficult to imbue those words in my heart now. I need to work on it. I need to work on my faith in God more.
FAITH IN OTHERS
Actually, I have already sent a message to my relatives in Australia and America. As siblings of my mother, they have the responsibility to assist us financially. Anyway, my mom's taking care of lola already, and tending to her daily needs isn't really the easiest thing to do.
I know they're gonna help but somehow, I still feel hopeless. They're sending money now but I have the feeling that they're gonna abandon me once things get fine or worse. That's what I fear most. I feel like we're gonna be left behind. And I'm referring to paying the loans we made to pay for the hospital bills. I know this is ridiculous, but hey, it's possible. After all, we're not really close to them. I don't even know some of them. A lot of things had also happened in the past, constantly triggering the fear.
But then, I realized that I need to work out on my faith in them. They're the only hopes we have, after all. What we have to do is to believe in what they can and will do for us. I need to chuck out the doubts and just trust them. At the end of the day, it's still their mother who needs the support.
FAITH IN MYSELF
Obviously, it took me a whole day to process the situation. After some distractions, I saw myself talking to Lui over the phone, crying my heart out. Everything finally sank in, and I needed to vent out all my frustrations and fears.
The thing is, he said nothing but just pray. He just kept quiet, occasionally asking questions. But instead of demanding for answers to my questions, I realized that I was contented with hearing the silence between us. Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that it comforted me to know that it was he who I was talking to; but I think it also counts that the lack of exchange of words between us eventually led me to realizing that I just can't cry all the time. I needed to do something.
Obviously, I needed to reinstate my faith in myself. I need to be convinced that I can do this, and that things will eventually be fine. Otherwise, I'll break down and my sanity will be immensely affected. Worse, my family will break down too - particularly my mother.
As the sole breadwinner of the family, I know they're currently depending on me. I need to believe in myself, that I can find ways to bring us out of this situation; and that it's gonna be okay.
It's honestly quite sad that this is how I should be tested; but I learned not to question God with His decisions anymore. There are things which are needed to be done - and to be able to do so, I have to practice putting my faith on God, others, and myself.
What a rollercoaster this year would probably be.