In life, we don’t really learn by being taught by other people. We understand things only when we finally get to experience it – and in my case, when an authority has finally proven it real.
I am gonna try to be discreet, and I guess only a few people would understand what I’m about to write. It’s not entirely easy putting all these emotions into words, considering that I have spent years fighting for what I have always wanted to believe.
But one night, one conversation – and I realized that it was me who was mistaken all along.
I am the type of person who puts effort in knowing other people, and I do not discover who they are just through others’ perceptions of them. Aside from research, I observe. I take pride on having a really strong instinct towards people and I have so much faith on it. I depend on what I feel to know someone.
And that is exactly what I used in order to arrive at one conclusion which I said I have fought for. I refused to take into consideration other ideas that contradict mine. I have always said that I have been fair to weigh things properly; yet I have realized that it never was balanced on my part.
I believed on something all along, and was ‘faithful’ enough to make others believe on it too. I wrote things to convince others of its reality, denying that nudging feeling within me – the feeling that says the reality of my words has long been gone. Yes, I have long doubted my instincts; but I was too stubborn to admit that because the truth is, I was enjoying.
A lot of people had been telling me the opposite of ‘my truth’. But it’s not until someone I can call the authority has told me to stop that I finally believed. It was after dreams have been realized, outside a world where we could have found paradise. The moment I heard it, I felt like everything I’ve worked for shattered. I knew it was an open secret; but it struck me nevertheless.
And so I stopped.
Actually, it’s not the truth turning into a blatant lie that feeds my disappointment right now. It’s the fact that all along, I have been hurting a person I promised to protect. I have been too much of an idiot to assume that what I was doing is what he really wanted. I have been so indifferent that I no longer read between the lines, and see through spaces.
I was blinded by what I want to happen. I didn’t realize that all along, he hated it.
Truthfully, this is what I couldn’t get over with. And even though words won’t be heard, I will say it anyway. I am sorry. I am sorry for being such an idiot. I am sorry for doing what I want, rather than what I have to do. I have failed to keep my promise of protecting him. I have contributed to his pains when I thought I’m adding to his happiness.
I am sorry, really.
I don’t really want to retract everything because at one point, I liked that; and at one point in his life, I know that my beliefs were real. But I guess it’s time to stop now. No more additions. No more assumptions.
From now on, it’s only him and his real happiness. Nothing else, I promise.
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