Why KPOP Fans are Selfish and Immature

There was the spreading of Gwiyomi. Then this Chicser issue. Bot were preceded by thousand more issues highlighting the selfishness and immaturity of KPOP fans. While I do condemn the uncalled-for application of those attitudes in most times, I have to not - for the sake of balance - why in the world are KPOP fans being that way.

SELFISHNESS: GWIYOMI NOT GWIYOMICH

I have to admit this. It was kinda awkward for me when Gwiyomi became sensationalized in the Philippines. Probably, a part of it is because I am not a fan of the girl who actually caused it. But I think it stems out more from the fact that I hate normotic people - people who will like something just because it's in. 

I stood corrected as to where Gwiyomi came from. It was actually a song from Hari and was popularized by BTOB's Ilhoon. I think he did it at BTOB Diary first. Since then, lots of other artists in Korea did it too - replacing the sensational bbuing bbuing. 

But of course, not many would know what bbuing bbuing is. That's another treasure for us, KPOP fans. 

Let me explain in detail: KPOP fans (and I mean the serious ones) are oriented that we live in a world of our own. Others may laugh at this idea but we take KPOP being a sanctuary seriously. This is our escape from the real world where people are content with living their lives ordinarily. In a way, we were pushed into closing our doors because as we do, we feel intruded by the ridiculous and unnecessary comments people relentlessly throw about our interests.  

Gwiyomi is one of the fun things about KPOP before. It's like an interesting thing which is shared only by the fans. Exaggerated as it may seem, it's one of those languages which we use to determine who's with us and who's not. And now, seeing others do it as well feels awkward. Like our world was infiltrated. 

It made me ask why is that when something Korean turns into a fad, it suddenly becomes acceptable and people who do it are 'normal'; but when it's not yet known to the 'outside world', people doing it are considered freaks. 

You see my point? I do not really hate it when non-KPOP fans do it. I hate it when I see it done by the very same people who would make fun (in a negative way) of KPOP every chance they get. I know some of them. I have experienced this myself. They used to call me stupid and a freak for singing a song they don't understand... And then Gwiyomi becomes a hit and they began doing it like they've liked it all along. People change. Interest varies. I know that, of course. But you know when someone's being a plain hypocrite. 

Understand it, everyone. Many KPOP fans have actually learned (the hard way) that selfishness is SOMETIMES the only way to defy hypocrisy.

IMMATURITY: SHINEe (AND THE REST OF THE KPOP WORLD) vs CHICSER

Originality is a vital virtue among KPOP fans. So it's pretty self-explanatory why some of our lot went crazy about the SHINEe/CHICSER issue. I admit I didn't know the latter and it's too early to judge them but even a elementary student can tell that SHINEe's concept was copied. 

Of course, that may not be CHICSER's fault; but this issue was blown out of proportion because of the exchange of comments between both groups' fans.

Again, I strongly discourage the display of immaturity among KPOP fans. I hate it when some just have to react on everything. As I've said before, "Kaya maraming nag-aaway ay dahil maraming mapagpatol." It's a battle of sharp tongues. I should admit, it's fun to read. But if it gets on too long, it turns annoying. 

I do admit that KPOP fans can be totally sarcastic as our biases are often the first victims. But why did the KPOP fans acted immaturely? First, originality was defied. Second, generalization was done. 

The issue was between SHINEe/Chicser fans. But the whole KPOP fandom was called 'cheap'. That's quite funny because there people obviously don't know what they're talking about. If KPOP is cheap, concert tickets wouldn't amount to up to 15,000php each; merchandises won't be priced at thousands; and albums even locally produced won't amount to 500php or more. 

Obviously, immaturity sucks. But I guess, ignorance does more.

For many KPOP fas, KPOP is sacred. We aren't just normal fans who admire. The virtue of dedication is kinda imbued within us, and we didn't even thought it would turn into this at first. We are not crazy. We are just people who admire those who we get so much inspiration from. And ordinary people won't even understand this. 

I do admit that I also hate some people within the KPOP industry; but I guess, like a family that we all are, that's normal. But we deal with it on our own; because this is our world. And we must protect it. Selfishness and immaturity are eyebrow-raising attitudes which are not tolerated in a society. But reasons exist; and we aim to be understood. 

If not, it's better to just let us be. 

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I wrote this when the issue about Chicser and SHINee/Gwiyomi first came out.

I don't intend to bring up the issue again.

I just want to share and not put to waste what I have written in the past.

Never has it been my intention to start a fire of hatred between people. 

Clearly, I just want to implore people to see that everything happens for a reason.

And this is OUR reason.

Something's Brewing

I woke up the morning of my birthday feeling anticipating - like something good's bound to happen. Later on, I felt the urge of doing something new and out of the box getting stronger and stronger. It must have been the 'age' and the thought that I'm growing older and I need to do something in my life - something that's completely worthwhile.

I had developed this plan since God-knows-when and I just didn't expect that I'm gonna start putting it into action. You know me, I've always been the lazy ass couch potato. But hey, I'm actually working on it and I feel so excited.

But the truth is, there's still this fear within me; something innate. Yes, I fear that I'll fail. I really do not want to add anything to my list of frustrations anymore so sometimes, it kinda gets into me and I just felt like I don't want to do it again. 

But I saw this on Facebook this morning and realized that I have laid the plans already, so why not make it happen?

The fact that I have failed a lot before makes me feel better actually. Looking at the second picture, I want to believe that this time, it's gonna be me... that this time, I AM GOING TO SUCCEED. I know it needs luck and I lack at that department; but I've always believed that hardwork surpasses everything. I just have to look for that intense determination, and I know I'll make it.

However, I have come face to face with the truth that in order to get to where I want to be, I need to make certain sacrifices. A little less of that, a little more of these... You guys know the drill. At this moment, I am still in the process of convincing myself of the things I have to let go but I'm getting there... 

To be honest, I am beyond excited. Big plans are forming themselves in my head right now but I have learned not to count the chickens before they're hatched. I realized that it's better to take things slowly; you know, mastering every level before you get onto another. That's basically my game play.

Of course, this wouldn't really be successful without prayers. I am quite being religious again here but I know it's gonna be impossible without Him. So I'm trying to strengthen my faith again and hopefully... hopefully my plans will coincide with His. :)

Wish me luck!

Luhan: An Enthralling Inspiration

Aside from the fact that I have seen CNBLUE, what makes my birthday a lot more special is the fact that I finally get to see Luhan play the game he loves the most: SOCCER. He participated in a Korea-China friendly match held in Shanghai with Xiumin, and I tell you… It’s more difficult to get over the memory of seeing him running around the green field in that blue uniform and a pair of orange shoes.

Chinese Soccer’s Hidden Card

To those who don’t know, Luhan is not just good at singing, dancing and looking good. He is also a master of Rubik’s cube, and of course, soccer. During their debut era in 2012, it has been revealed that Luhan was a part of his school’s soccer team in Beijing. In an interview I saw a year ago, some of his former schoolmates and teachers were so proud about how good Luhan is in the field. In some accounts, it was even said that whatever team Luhan’s in is bound to win the game.

Being so biased, I was instantly convinced that he’s a good soccer player. But only when I saw him really play that I was convinced about his prowess. I watched the clips through a video on Youtube and though my knowledge about this sport is minimal, I can tell. Luhan can play.

He was fast and was always where the action is. Comments in Weibo said even those who don’t know him were astounded at how good he can play. I remember one particular post saying that her father had been a fan of soccer for 17 years and he told his daughter that the Shanghai team should sign that orange-haired boy to the team because he is good; and boy, it made me feel so proud.

Obviously, the older members of the Chinese team had taken a liking on Luhan. I believe he was let into the game longer than expected. Even the reporters who even said that “we shouldn’t judge their soccer-playing seriously” were totally impressed.  

Living the Dream

But why I am more impressed is beyond the fact that he can play. It’s because that very moment, Luhan got to fulfill his dream. And for me, nothing is more important than that.

It is never a secret that Luhan is a huge fan of Manchester United; and in that game, he played head on against former captain Park Jisung - the most celebrated Korean soccer player in history – during the first two minutes of being in the game. It was a simple thing, if you will think about it; but the fact that he managed to display fierce defense against his respected idol, I see it as a grand accomplishment already.

The whole time I was watching the game clips, I can’t help but grin in front of my computer. It’s needless to say that I am proud, but that’s what I am. Seeing the fan-taken pictures and how Luhan’s eyes sparkle in every shot, I can tell that he was happy to be where he was that moment. In an interview in the past, he said that if he isn’t an idol, he would have worked his way to becoming a soccer player. And as he run across the green field while playing against the people he looks up to, I knew he’s living his dream; and he has shown the whole world that he can be the best at it.

Enthralling Inspiration

The game happened on my birthday; and as I’ve said, it’s probably one of the best gifts I have ever received; and it’s basically not just about seeing Luhan do what he loves most. It’s more of realizing that without words, I have once again found a great inspiration.

Truth is, the quarter-life-syndrome has hit me years earlier than expected. Lately, I have been very whiny about not achieving anything yet when I’m almost 25. I have grown envious of younger people who are already on top of their games. Luhan’s included, of course; but knowing his background and what he had to do (as well as the stories I know about KPOP idols) to get to where he is, I realized that it is never too late for me to begin.

Luhan’s game further explained to me the important of holding on to your dreams. He has already accomplished his goal of being a world-famous idol by persevering and becoming an indelible member of EXO; and now, he has just fulfilled his dream of showing everyone that he is good at soccer too.

More so, this man has proven me that you can always be in different places at one time. I mean this in a figurative way. Luhan’s an idol; but he can also be a soccer player. Luhan’s a rather simple man, but he can be a great inspiration to anyone.

And for that, I feel so thankful.

Promise

Months back, I told myself that I need to stay away from my fandoms. I have to prioritize myself and make myself real happy this time – you know, buy stuffs and go to places. I promised myself that after CNBLUE, it’s time for my retirement. It has been roughly six years already anyway; but looking at Luhan and the rest of the EXO members (and Super Junior and CNBLUE), I ended up concluding that these groups will always be part of my genuine happiness.

And Luhan… 

Luhan will always be a part of whatever I will be.

*ALL PICTURES BELONG TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERS*

On My 24th Year...

I have been through a pretty rough ride during the past few months. My grandmother died; there are several problems within the family; and I am pretty much done with the idea of love. But just when I thought that there's no end to it, I woke up one morning and suddenly felt like I've started anew. And when I realized what day that was, I smiled and thought myself:

"Hey Angel, happy birthday."

Turning 24 last June 23rd generated a mix of emotions within me. I believe I had the 'quarter life crisis' a year early so I have been boggling myself about what to do with my life; and now that I have turned 24, I want to believe that I'm seeing the light. Suddenly, ideas dawned to me on how to improve myself. It's like a 'Eureka' moment. Little by little, I know I'm finally figuring out what to live for.

But while I am still trying to decipher the plans life has for me, I just want to dwell on the feeling of gratefulness towards the people who had stuck with me for years - keeping up with my moodswings and tactlessness. There are a lot (spearheaded by my best friend, Vhik) of them and I am really so sorry if I sometimes overlook their worth; but although I won't drop anymore names here, I know they know who they are and I just want to tell them that I will never feel sorry for not having as much friends as other people would want to have. It's enough for me to have them in my life, because quality is much more important than quantity.

At this point in time, it is still quite difficult to believe that I'm 24. I thought I'm gonna stick with being 23 forever; but then life goes on and people age. But that doesn't necessarily mean, we have to grow old. As how many would say, age is just a number and staying young is entirely up to a person.

Obviously, I choose to stay young. And in my desire to do that, I need to stay happy.

The question is 'How?' 

I am a very emphatic person. I tend to always put myself in the shoes of others. I am a living sponge. That's why I need to stay away from the bad vibes. Chances are, I just absorb the negative emotions from people that is why I always become sad, infuriated, and all. I am naturally a happy person but that gets defied because of my strong empathy.

There is no way I could stay away from this nature; but I can always stay away from the outside factors. Therefore, I have realized on my 24th birthday that for me to be truly happy, I have to stay away from the bad vibes - and that includes events and people.

I have decided to make myself the top priority. For the past months, I have been through a rough ride in life and as my friend told me, it's time to focus on my happiness. I guess so too. And so I'm starting.

And I hope that all those I have chosen to include in my life will stick with me until the end. It's not gonna be easy, of course. But with this new-found realization, I promise you we'll have fun.

Adriano-Domigpe Nuptials: Celebrating the Golden I DO's

In the age when nothing seems certain anymore, relationships dying and couples falling apart has become a normal occurrence in our everyday living, it is a very pleasant relief to know that for some people, love is still working. And what makes it better is that, I know the couple.

On June 15th, Tatay Doro and Nanay Pacing celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary at the Parish of St. Francis of Assisi in Meycauayan. It was an intimate event shared only by the closest families and friends, prepared by the children of the couple. I was able to take part of the preparations though I couldn't make it to the event; and it felt good to do something for them.

Looking at the pictures, I can't help but admire the strong bond these two share. I haven't known them for a long time actually but it's really inspiring how they stuck together after 50 years of being together. I knew some of their stories, their challenges, their successes; and I have to say that they really love each other... a lot.

This made me realize: True love indeed has no boundaries. These two share more than ten years of age difference but look how long they have been together. I think it's so wonderful to see love working like this - irreplaceable, irrevocable, eternal. Isn't it a relief to know that there are still people who know what loyalty is?

As I've said, we've come to the age when commitment no longer matters to many. I am a Catholic and matrimony is a sacred thing for me, so I kinda get emotional when I see wedded couples separate ways just because of slight differences. I wish every pair would be like Tatay Doro and Nanay Pacing, who have kept the fire burning together for each other, and for their family.

Because of this celebration, I found greater hope on love. I found it more pleasant. I found it more gratifying. I found it more special that it already is. It's so amazing to realize that even though love doesn't work for me, it does for others. That, I think, is enough for me to believe in its existence.

My parents have been married for more than 25 years now; and I am glad to tell you that despite the constant bickering and fights between the two of them (or sometimes, it's them vs me), they are sticking together hopefully. I look forward to their 50th anniversary too, because I am sure to do the same thing Kuya Marvin did, for them.

To Nanay Pacing and Tatay Doro, may your relationship be filled with more love and blessings. Thank you for inspiring me with your faith in God and with each other. Let eternal happiness pour itself on you as you continue your journey as Mr. and Mrs. Domigpe. Happy 50th Wedding Anniversary! We love you!

Of Glittering Stars and Apologies for the Illusions

In life, we don’t really learn by being taught by other people. We understand things only when we finally get to experience it – and in my case, when an authority has finally proven it real.

I am gonna try to be discreet, and I guess only a few people would understand what I’m about to write. It’s not entirely easy putting all these emotions into words, considering that I have spent years fighting for what I have always wanted to believe.

But one night, one conversation – and I realized that it was me who was mistaken all along.

I am the type of person who puts effort in knowing other people, and I do not discover who they are just through others’ perceptions of them. Aside from research, I observe. I take pride on having a really strong instinct towards people and I have so much faith on it. I depend on what I feel to know someone.

And that is exactly what I used in order to arrive at one conclusion which I said I have fought for. I refused to take into consideration other ideas that contradict mine. I have always said that I have been fair to weigh things properly; yet I have realized that it never was balanced on my part.

I believed on something all along, and was ‘faithful’ enough to make others believe on it too. I wrote things to convince others of its reality, denying that nudging feeling within me – the feeling that says the reality of my words has long been gone. Yes, I have long doubted my instincts; but I was too stubborn to admit that because the truth is, I was enjoying.

A lot of people had been telling me the opposite of ‘my truth’. But it’s not until someone I can call the authority has told me to stop that I finally believed. It was after dreams have been realized, outside a world where we could have found paradise. The moment I heard it, I felt like everything I’ve worked for shattered. I knew it was an open secret; but it struck me nevertheless.

And so I stopped.

Actually, it’s not the truth turning into a blatant lie that feeds my disappointment right now. It’s the fact that all along, I have been hurting a person I promised to protect. I have been too much of an idiot to assume that what I was doing is what he really wanted. I have been so indifferent that I no longer read between the lines, and see through spaces.

I was blinded by what I want to happen. I didn’t realize that all along, he hated it.

Truthfully, this is what I couldn’t get over with. And even though words won’t be heard, I will say it anyway. I am sorry. I am sorry for being such an idiot. I am sorry for doing what I want, rather than what I have to do. I have failed to keep my promise of protecting him. I have contributed to his pains when I thought I’m adding to his happiness.

I am sorry, really.

I don’t really want to retract everything because at one point, I liked that; and at one point in his life, I know that my beliefs were real. But I guess it’s time to stop now. No more additions. No more assumptions.

From now on, it’s only him and his real happiness. Nothing else, I promise.

Blue Love Solidified.

Until now, it is kinda difficult to move on and get over the fact that after three long years, I have finally seen CNBLUE perform live. It was great. It was fun. It was a memorable experience. Lots of funny things had happened; and Jung Yonghwa had just solidified his position as my ultimate bias.

I really didn’t feel the hype until I got the tickets from Lovely of PULP. When I saw the tickets assuring my seat on Section 103 Row 3 Seat 21 (CENTER AISLE, BABY!), my mind went bonkers. The moment I stepped into the venue, my heart began thumping as if I’ll have a heart attack any moment. And believe it or not, I am not exaggerating. Sitting on that seat, just a few meters away from where my boys would be, made me want to cry but I couldn’t.

I really couldn’t.

And then the lights dimmed and the whole Araneta screamed. As how Ate Chichi claimed, the view was familiar. It was a blue ocean, after all. But although I still prefer the Sapphire Blue Sea every Super Show, nothing could distract me from the escalating anticipation.

The boys are here.

And then one by one, they stepped into the stage. Yonghwa’s silhouette came into my view first and then it was like pandemonium inside me. I kept on screaming and jumping while waving my light stick, though it all still felt so surreal.

The boys took the stage, along with my whole sanity. As they get ready with their instruments, I suddenly found myself voiceless – just staring in awe with these beautiful perfections. As hilarious as it is, I want to assume that for a few seconds, JONGHYUN AND YONGHWA STARED AT ME. I mean, I was the only blonde in the area. They must have been thinking how idiotic I was to sport that kind of hairstyle, but the important thing was I believe it worked.

CNBLUE began playing and I couldn’t remember what happened next. Just bits of it though. I remember trying to cover my mouth because of too much astonishment; admiring the boys’ childish actions on stage; laughing my ass off (and at the same time, getting awed) because they speak English and Tagalog; and trying to contain my feels because I was so fucking proud the whole time.

I just have to impress on some things though:

1)      Jungshin and Minhyuk are good in English. Jungshin’s definitely the best!

2)      Even when overseas, food always comes first for these people. Of all the things Philippines could impress Minhyuk with, it’s lechon (and jeepney).

3)      The jumpy kid, Yonghwa, STOMPS on his effects... HARD. – This really stunned me. Dear effects, are you okay?

4)      Jonghyun has this addictive charm that even alone, HE GLOWS. Passion at its best, Lee Jonghyun is.

5)      LEE JONGHYUN IS THE SEXIEST MAN I HAVE EVER SEEN IN PERSON SO FAR.  Let’s wait until I see EXO’s Kai in person though.

6)      Jungshin must have gotten tired of thinking of English words to use so he decided to ask if the crowd understands Korean.

JS:           Jaemisseoyo? (Was it fun?)

US:         YEEEEE!!!!

JS:           Hangug-mal arayo? (Do you know Korean?)

US:         YEEEEE!!!!

JS:           O__O Daebak~~~

7)      It was a regret that I get to pay less attention to the maknaes because the two hyungs are ALWAYS interfering.

8)      Honey thighs are real.

9)      I never expected Yonghwa’s nose to be that pointed and perfect.

10)   MINHYUK SAID YONGHWA IS LIKE A FOOL AND HE ASKED US FOR CONFIRMATION. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

11)   Jung Yonghwa is an idiot. As sexily as he could, he called us ‘SINGAPORE’ and I have proven it possible to have a whole Araneta Coliseum vs Jung Yonghwa. Jonghyun and Jungshin were laughing their asses off over this mistake. MINHYUK WAS CLUELESS. HAHAHAHAHA!

12)   I will never ever regret falling in love with this band.

A lot more things happened but I guess they’ll just stay in my mind and heart. After the concert, we rushed to KPUB BBQ in Taguig for the after party and it was fun. They stayed upstairs and although the curtains were drawn, we could still see Jungshin eating with his red cap on. Occasionally, they would go out of the venue to use the restroom on the other side.  I didn’t see them that much because I was too busy filling myself in with GREAT KOREAN FOOD; plus, it was enough that I got a glimpse of Lee Jonghyun in black wifebeater.

YES, BLACK WIFEBEATER. IT’S ANOTHER DREAM COME TRUE.

Before going back to the hotel, the boys signed this huge photo at the balcony of the restobar. There was a large couch there and Jungshin knelt and propped his head on his arms, cutely looking at the screen and over the crowd.

Then they left.

All in all, the experience was a blast. When I went home the next morning, it began sinking in. I have seen CNBLUE live and I got to discover some few things about them through it. It was an unforgettable moment. It was a very special night. There were regrets on my part – things I could have done for the boys if only I had the time to prepare more; but I’m sure I’ll be given better chances next time.

YES, NEXT TIME.  

As I close my eyes to sleep that morning, two things have been made clearer. The three-year wait was worth it, and whatever happens, I will protect this band – especially Jung Yonghwa.

It Has Ended: A Message of Gratitude

May 26, my grandmother died. It has been two weeks since that fateful night and tomorrow, we'll be bringing her to her final resting place. After a mass at the Hulo Chapel at around 3PM, she will be buried at the Meycauayan Memorial Park in Zamora.

And then everything will end. And we'll all be starting a new life.

In behalf of the Torres-Aguilar family, I am thanking everyone who had been with us through thick and thin. Thank you to those who sent emotional support since those fateful days at the regretful Meycauayan Doctors' Hospital. Based on experience, I urge all of you to NOT admit your families and friends there. I can pinpoint a lot of things we can connect to medical malpractice and indifference towards patients but then just message me for the whole story. 

Also, thank you to those who had readily provided us with financial help. I am very particular with our friends who never hesitated to shed out cash to help. Thank you for being patient. I will surely settle those remaining balances as soon as I can. Thank you for proving me that during the darkest days, friends can turn into families; and families can totally turn into strangers. 

My best friends - Victoria, Louie and Tina - deserve a special mention for ALWAYS being there. As in ALWAYS.

To the members and friends from the Parish Commission on Youth as well as the priests in the parish, you guys have been my constant strength and shock absorbers and I wouldn't know what I could have done without all of you. Thank you for assisting me with everything, and providing me with laughter and fun, amid the mourning and grief.

Lui and Ivan, thank you that you guys listened. As it has ended already, I'm gonna get off your backs now. 

To Tita Mercy and Tita Menchie, for being Nanay's daughters and Mama's sisters. We couldn't provide my mother with the kind of comfort which only the two of you can give. Thank you for not abandoning us. Thank you for being responsible children to Lola despite all the things you're both going through too. 

And to God, thank You for finally ending Nanay's sufferings. It was a long preparation for meeting You; but I know it's worth it. My grandmother's now there, and please tell her that although I wasn't able to show it, I love her and I will always remember her. 

I know I may not seem like someone actually passed away. During the last two weeks, I have been seen so bubbly and noisy; but deep inside, the little girl is hurting that someone so loved has left me behind again. But the thought that I still have life to make the most out of is enough to keep me going.

I hope that all of you will continue staying with us, even after the end. God bless us all.

Somebody Left Me Again...

Exactly a week ago, I have received one of the most heartbreaking wake-up calls from my brother. My grandmother has passed away. Immediately, I jumped out of bed and rushed downstairs, my shaking knees almost giving in as I take every step. And when I finally saw her lifeless body, I couldn't move.

Nanay is gone after a long fight.

Honestly, it took me a week for this to finally sink in. But as much as I hate the idea of death, I realize that her passing is easier to handle than the fact that somebody left me again. It hasn't been long since someone turned his back on me. And now this...

Somehow, it makes me wonder: "Wouldn't there be anyone to stick with me until the end?"

It's no longer overthinking. It's about facing the reality - the reality which has inadvertently hurt my pride and self-worth: that I am a very repulsive person. Whether because of natural causes or personal choices, people leave me behind because I am not someone to be proud of.

This brings me back to a series of self-realization about who I am and what I am. I know this sounds very depressing and overacting but how to deny the fact that I am unwanted. No one tries to stick around. No one tries to understand. No one tries to break into my world and crack my protective shell open to see what's actually inside.

No one actually cares.

Grace

Excuse my lack of updates as I just went through a real rollercoaster ride. After a week and a half of fused excitement, annoyance and pressure due to the Grand Sagala organized by the Parish Commission on Youth, my grandmother died after a very long fight against her multiple diseases. But despite the consistent challenges, I have stuck close to my resolve. I have practiced patience for May.

It wasn’t really an easy task; but it was a mandatory action. I needed to learn how to extend my patience every time because it prepares me to the next virtue which I want to learn: Grace.

Months ago, I bought a book entitled ‘Grace’ from Nancy Mair. It talks about how women should be. It does not tell stories to teach how to please others by being graceful. It talks about being graceful to please one’s own self.

As I have been wanting to feel pleased about myself, I realized that I need to take the challenge into a higher level now. I have managed to train my patience, and so I’m moving on to testing my gracefulness. It is not a secret that I am boisterous and very tactless. I can be very clumsy and unsophisticated.

And I am tired of being looked down on just because I don’t act much like a woman.

So naming June as Grace is something to look forward to for me. I have been an ugly duckling for the longest time of my life. Will I ever transform to the ‘beautiful swan’ that others (particularly Luwi, Tina and Vhik) would want me to be? How?

This would really require help from my friends. But I already have a mental list of what I needed to discard in my lifestyle; as well as the things I need to start living with. It’s gonna be difficult – withdrawal syndromes on everything. But plans were laid quite convincingly. Hopefully, I can get by.

June is my birthday month. There’s probably no best thing to gift myself with than this.