I was walking around the mall this afternoon, taking pleasure on the fact that I get to enjoy a holiday in a normal way, when I passed by the bookstore. It is a typical stop for me whenever I'm there. Books are like a staple in my life and I always go to that store for a sense of comfort. However, that wasn't exactly found what I was there a while ago.
When I saw a book on the stands, I honestly felt fear - like I don't want to see it. It's as if there's an invisible force forcing me to look at it again but I just can't.
Then I realized that it must have been happening again...
You see, people have different ways to move on. Perhaps, my heart can no longer decide that my mind decided to take action. I have always prayed to God that He takes my free will so that I can only do what He wants me to do. I don't want to put up a fight, insisting on what I wanted anymore.
So this happens.
I've been through this once so I know what to expect. Believe me, refusing to see that book is just the beginning. I can't even stomach seeing his SNS accounts anymore. Hopefully, talking about him, hearing about him, and seeing him will come next.
It's amazing how one's mind can be. It has easily overruled my heart, and to that I feel grateful. It's the best thing to ever happen to me in the past four years. I know it's kinda scary being this way again - with my safety turned on once more - but I honestly would accept anything to free me from this lasting pain.
Even if it means totally turning back against love again.