The Night'll Turn Blue

Poster from FNC Entertainment
THIS IS FOR THE SEOUL CONCERT!!!!

It's confirmed. CNBLUE will be having a solo concert in the Philippines on June. PULP Live Productions head Happee Sy, herself, had said so via Twitter. 

And I am damn excited.

Well, I know it's not appropriate to be excited, considering the situation my family is in at the moment. But I've been waiting for this for a long time already. I have let pass the opportunity to see EXO, and is decided not to watch Super Junior. But it's a different story for CNBLUE.

For two years, I've been waiting for this, since my conversation with Weiling; and now that plans are finally confirmed, I want to assure myself that I'm going to be able to watch it no matter what. I've prayed numerous novenas for this. This was my wish when we went to Singapore. I've constantly dreamt about it.

ODG.

June is my birthday month. After all that I've been doing and all that I'm going through right now, I guess I deserve this treat. I'll be sure to cry blood in front of my parents just so they'll allow me. And I need to get back my savings for the ticket.

The night's gonna turn blue for sure. I bet my life it's gonna be awesome.

Helpless & Abandoned

Suddenly, I'm losing grasp of everything.

My grandmother's condition is getting more and more serious. Although my mom said she managed to talk to her clearly this afternoon, her blood pressure is still dropping and she needs blood transfusion. Otherwise, things will get complicated. 

At the moment, I must admit I can't decide whether to continue with her medicines. We're bankrupted already. There is no assurance that the loan, in which we have given our land title as collateral, will be approved. All our bank accounts are already depleted. Only one relative from Australia is sending money (50AUD/less than 2,000php) on a weekly basis - and that's not even enough for a vial of antibiotic which Nanay needs twice a day - yet we were condemned for not making a decision about their mother's condition. 

I'm losing it.

I feel like giving up. But then who would help my mom if I wouldn't? It's easy to say we're abandoned. Nobody wants to help anymore. What choice do I have but beg people who are not even blood-related to us to lend me money so I may pay for the hospital bills, which is already 250,000php as of the moment. 

I want to blame someone, but I can't. I just decided to cut all connections with people after this. I just want everything to end. My parents are no longer young either. They're both 62 and unemployed. How am I going to carry all the burdens of this family?

There's no easy thing in life, I know. But this is just so difficult for a 23-year-old lady whose salary is minimal. And I feel so helpless. I am feeling so helpless. Who should I run to for financial assistance? Who should I run to for help? Most people I thought would be willing to help had abandoned me already. What am I going to do?

Lord, please tell me who to turn to for help. :'(

Prioritizing my Priorities

I don't know how this ended up here tbh

Officially, I have ditched my much-awaited concert. EXO is already here in the Philippines and I'm not going to see them perform. It was a difficult decision to make. But when my mom said to offer the sacrifice for Lola's sake, I did it without thinking twice.

To be honest, I feel like I'm a bad granddaughter because I am praying for everything to just end already; but if you see your grandmother lying on deathbed, looking so bloated and with all the tubes attached to her body, I wonder how you're going to keep up with that.

What we're going through right now gave me a lot of realizations. One of the most important would be the fact that life really will require us to make grave decisions. Moments will come that us when would have to choose between what we really want most and what we know we have to do. I chose not to attend the concert. I chose to pray that God brings her to heaven already. I made decisions.

It is difficult; but praying helps. And if you feel like nothing's working, choose the thing which you have to do. 

As people, we should always prioritize our responsibilities. I've always believed that when the chance to get what we've long wanted will coincide with the demands of responsibilities, it means that the thing we want is not for us. 

And in the end, something better will surely come. 

[Meycauayan Spots] Sto. Niño Exhibit

Baby Jesus (Danilo Tan)

For Catholics, the third Sunday of January means the celebration of the feast of the Child Jesus. Better known as the Santo Niño Day, it is certainly one of the most anticipated events of the Catholic year.

In preparation for the celebration on the 20th, the Parish of St. Francis of Assisi had arranged an exhibit displaying different Santo Niño images. Luwi was the person mainly responsible for it so to show support, I went there to take pictures and obviously blog about it.

CHARACTER SWITCHES AND CHANGES IN HARRY POTTER FILMS

Recently, I have been delving into the world of Harry Potter, for like, everyday. I saved copies of the eight films in my computer so I can watch it repeatedly while I work. And as it has been days since my addiction to The Boy Who Lived resurfaced, I can't help but notice some character switches - and changes - in the movies.

1. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Perhaps, this is the most obvious change in characters. Well, it was really unfortunate that Richard Harris (left) died after filming the Chamber of Secrets. I really liked his portrayal of Dumbledore because he was definitely calm and assuring. But while I can't say the same qualities on Michael Gambon's (right) portrayal of the role, I have to admit that he did a good job in making something, which not many could have realized if J.K. Rowling didn't tell the director about it, very obvious. His antics were indeed convincing, and somehow, I loved it.

THY WILL BE DONE

Three weeks after Christmas, my grandmother is still in the hospital. The last week, she had spent at the ICU. It was, and still is, a grueling moment for all of us. Aside from the fact that we're all emotionally distraught, we are financially exhausted. The option we had recently took is our last resort. If that wouldn't work, I don't know what to do anymore. 

Frankly speaking, it's taking its toll on me. For how many weeks, I have managed to tell myself that I am strong and that everything will be okay. But with lack of assurance from people who are supposed to help us, it is getting more and more difficult as days pass by. Suddenly, everything felt difficult. Suddenly, I could no longer find anything to be positive on. 

As a 23 year old woman who hasn't enjoyed life at its best yet, this came off as a very challenging surprise. I was caught off guard. Although I have to admit that I somehow failed to credit those people abroad for the help they extended, but at the end of each day, it is still me and my family who suffer the most. Clearly, I want to give up. For a moment last night, I thought that I should be brave enough to be the one to pull the respirator off my grandmother's system. I know that guilt will be eating me alive every second of my life then (because for all we know, it will be me who will kill her), but she has been suffering so much already. 

But then, of course, I can't. 

I can't help but feel totally remorseful. Last night, I have realized that at this point in time, I am no longer in the position to dream. Even if this ends, the responsibilities shall continue until God-knows-when. There's no more assurance in my life, and all dreams I have formulated in my mind during the past years should be scraped off now, as hoping for all of it to come true will now be like hoping against hope.

For the next months and years, I am no longer allowed to live life for myself. Even the small pleasures in life like falling in love should be forgotten. I have decided on that already. To be honest, I feel like I no longer deserve to live life properly. Dramatic, this is; but for a 23-year-old whose life is beginning to be chucked out from her in a slow and torturous manner, this is perhaps just normal.

Truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared of what lies ahead. I know it's just a matter of thinking and all. But as I know myself, I'd rather wallow on pity and depression than expect and get disappointed in the end. 

But then, what's the use of naming January Faith when I can't practice that? 

Then it all boils down to this: I still believe that things will be fine. I'm trying to be very positive at the moment (for my mother, at least, who depends on me for emotional strength). However, I need to be prepared. There's no one to hold on to. There's no one to ask for help. We're living on our own, and this problem - even though it is ought to be shouldered by more than ten people - were given on us and we're left with no choice but to carry it. 

I am in a very difficult situation. And my only hope lies in God. Although my faith still wavers sometimes, I have to constantly tell myself to just let "Thy will be done."

IMMEDIATELY TESTED

Perhaps, my decision to call January 'Faith' was just appropriate. Because right after I decided to do so, I was put to test. Life had actually dumped me a major challenge in which I needed to practice my resolutions on. 

Christmas Day, my grandmother was rushed to the hospital. She spent two days in the ICU already but was brought out of it before New Year's Day. But as the new year kicked in, we were advised to bring her back to it because doctors said she was in a critical condition. 

It was a very frightening moment. That Sunday when I learned and saw my grandmother being suctioned by the nurses, it dawned to me how serious the situation was. Any moment, she could be taken away from us. Mom and Daddy were pondering whether to give up and just bring her home; but I insisted not to. I pointed out that we hadn't exhausted all means and options yet. Although it would cost us a lot, we needed to do everything we can because I will never be able to live up to the guilty feeling that I didn't do my best to save her.

FAITH IN GOD

Eventually, mom and dad agreed. That night, I went to mass blank and all. Friends saw me laughing although I couldn't hide the fact that I'm not okay. All I was thinking was the bills. I know my grandmother would get by just fine, although I told God to just let His will be done; so what bothered me most was the question 'where will I get the money to pay for the bills?'

That moment, I knew my faith in God was being tested. Until now, it felt horrible that I am wavering again - because I'm looking for immediate answers. I have forgotten that GOD WILL PROVIDE, and I admit that  I am still finding it difficult to imbue those words in my heart now. I need to work on it. I need to work on my faith in God more.

FAITH IN OTHERS

Actually, I have already sent a message to my relatives in Australia and America. As siblings of my mother, they have the responsibility to assist us financially. Anyway, my mom's taking care of lola already, and tending to her daily needs isn't really the easiest thing to do. 

I know they're gonna help but somehow, I still feel hopeless. They're sending money now but I have the feeling that they're gonna abandon me once things get fine or worse. That's what I fear most. I feel like we're gonna be left behind. And I'm referring to paying the loans we made to pay for the hospital bills. I know this is ridiculous, but hey, it's possible. After all, we're not really close to them. I don't even know some of them. A lot of things had also happened in the past, constantly triggering the fear. 

But then, I realized that I need to work out on my faith in them. They're the only hopes we have, after all. What we have to do is to believe in what they can and will do for us. I need to chuck out the doubts and just trust them. At the end of the day, it's still their mother who needs the support. 

FAITH IN MYSELF

Obviously, it took me a whole day to process the situation. After some distractions, I saw myself talking to Lui over the phone, crying my heart out. Everything finally sank in, and I needed to vent out all my frustrations and fears. 

The thing is, he said nothing but just pray. He just kept quiet, occasionally asking questions. But instead of demanding for answers to my questions, I realized that I was contented with hearing the silence between us. Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that it comforted me to know that it was he who I was talking to; but I think it also counts that the lack of exchange of words between us eventually led me to realizing that I just can't cry all the time. I needed to do something.

Obviously, I needed to reinstate my faith in myself. I need to be convinced that I can do this, and that things will eventually be fine. Otherwise, I'll break down and my sanity will be immensely affected. Worse, my family will break down too - particularly my mother. 

As the sole breadwinner of the family, I know they're currently depending on me. I need to believe in myself, that I can find ways to bring us out of this situation; and that it's gonna be okay. 

It's honestly quite sad that this is how I should be tested; but I learned not to question God with His decisions anymore. There are things which are needed to be done - and to be able to do so, I have to practice putting my faith on God, others, and myself. 

What a rollercoaster this year would probably be.

FAITH

Way before 2012 ended, I have talked to Yuxing unnie and asked her if I could also name my months - like how she does. Fortunately, she let me copy her style; and now that 2013 has officially begun, I am naming January, Faith.

Faith in God.

My faith in God had been tested quite a few times in 2012 so I wish to start strengthening my relationship with my Creator this month. I decided to do so because I want the rest of my year (and my life) to be dedicated to Him alone. He's my only hope, after all. I should never stay away from Him.

Faith in myself.

The second most important thing that I want to do this 2013 is to re-establish my identity; and there's no better time to begin this cause than January. I need to gain back my self-confidence which have obviously gone missing during the past years. This is a vital thing if I want to move forward with my life. I've been pretty stagnant and so I need to have faith to change it.

Faith in others.

I'm not exactly an anti-social person but I am admittedly a picky one when it comes to relationships. After everything I've gone through, I've learned not to trust people easily. However, I quite overdid it last year that I ended up doubting even those who I have already let into my life. It was pretty disgusting how paranoia overpowered me so this January, I'm gonna start investing more on others. I won't try to be overtly friendly and make new friends though; but I am determined to work on my present relationships and rekindle the fire of friendship and love with them.

So yeah. January's gonna be FAITH and hopefully, everything will fall into its proper places.