I just don't get it how easy people can change. Are good relationships really as evanescent as it can be? Is there really a supposed time frame for people's good attitudes? Are people really not that strong enough to maintain the dignity they have as human beings, and resist the urge to be monsters?
I am bipolar. My moods are unpredictable. One minute, I'm happy. The other, I'm fucked up. There is totally no way to tell my next move, the next emotion I will feel. Sometimes, I annoy people. Most times, I annoy people. That's just the way it is.
But despite my intense bipolarity, I feel so proud to assure you that I am sensitive - extremely at that. It could come off negatively, but I try hard to use it for the positive things. Often, I use it to detect how others feel, so I may know how to deal with them properly.
One truth about me is that I'm uncontrollably tactless. My mouth is an Armalite once it begins. I am overflowing with opinions as my thoughts are incessant when I'm in rage. There's no stopping.
And because of that, I hurt many people in the past; and until now, I feel guilty for all that happened. I tried to apologize and reach out, and work hard on changing myself. I have promised not to use words again to hurt others. Because learning it the hard way, I know how deep it cuts - because I've been wounded by it a lot.
Words are indeed powerful. It make or break people.
Some told me before that the words will only affect you, depending on how you perceive its meaning. I think it's from the theory of Symbolic Interactionism of George Herbert Mead which informed me that. It says the meaning of things derive from the kind of interaction a person has with the society. So if I understand it correctly, a simple 'NO' to someone who had been exposed to a lot of rejection in the past could be a little dreadful, if compared to a 'NO' said to someone who had been treated fairly well by life.
Realizing all these things, I can now conclude that words are sacred. It convenes meaning which could change lives. Like what James Lee had said, the power of words is beautiful. I never want to lose that quintessential character of whatever I say.
But then sensitivity also plays a great role in a good relationship. Social status is not enough to jeopardize the healthy connection between two persons. I don't believe that one who has a higher position is given the right to be mean to someone standing below his level; because if tides turn and they switch places, I am pretty certain that the 'higher' wouldn't want to be treated rudely by the 'lower'.
I am not entirely sure as to why I'm writing like I'm in an academe. My bipolarity might have kicked in unknowingly. Perhaps, I'm just trying to sound professional and elite, even just for this time, so I could give off the impression that I'm definitely more than who people think I am?
Oh yes, maybe that's it.
But I think that for a bipolar that I am, it's not all fun.