Thank You Visprint... Thank You Bob Ong. ♥

This Christmas has undeniably turned out to be one of the best days I've ever had. Aside from the fact that I have celebrated it differently (since I went to the mall with friends and it's the first time I've ever done that on a December 25th), I have given myself a great present: I gave myself a complete set of Bob Ong's books!

I've started collecting the books after I graduated high school on 2005 but some of my copies were lost after I have lent it to people who do not know how to treat books well. And since I am really a big fan of Bob Ong (and because I was damn frustrated that I couldn't buy that pair of shoes in People are People), I went to National Bookstore with Emil and Lui and bought four new books to complete my collection. <3 

If you want to read personal reviews of his books, please click Read more. <3

Why Exactly Do I Need Money?

I won't be a hypocrite and tell the whole world that I don't need money to be happy. Come on. In this age where everything has to be paid, I need stable sources of finances. And unfortunately, I am one of the millions who have to work her ass out first in order to earn. I am not a daughter of a tycoon, nor was I born with a golden spoon in my mouth. I am an ordinary person, and I need money.

But the thing is: WHY DO I NEED MONEY?


First thing: I am the breadwinner of the family. I am the only one working; and though my parents are receiving their monthly pension (since both of them are senior citizens already), it is still not enough. My grandmother is already at her golden age and is getting sickly nowadays. Her bank account is close to depleting and her medications are just so expensive. And then my brother is still studying (though thankfully, he's graduating next year already.) So imagine the pressure in me. I have to feed my family.

But of course, I cannot let myself just do everything for that sort of motivation. I need to give something to myself. So yeah, I need money to satisfy my wants. I am a KPOP lover and I tell you, it's not easy to be one. Fangirls need money to become a true-blue fangirl; and I'm not joking. On February, I'm flying to Singapore for Super Show 4. Come midyear 2012, I know I'm going back there for Bluestorm. And it's not just a simple case of obsession. To see Super Junior and CNBlue live are necessities to me. They are my stress relievers and they are my rewards. :)

Lastly, I need money because I want to help people. Right now, I'm sponsoring a child through World Vision. Although I used the name of Park Jungsu, it's still me who's paying for it. No complaints. Actually, I have also pledged support to a friend who I know is terribly in need of finances too. Although she's somehow working for us as househelp in return, I try my best to give her more than she's working for. I don't know why I'm like this towards her. Maybe it's just that I want her to feel supported by a family, which she was deprived of, since childhood. (Her mother died when she was like 4 or 5? Then her father had to go abroad - then later die, and she was being treated like trash by her relatives for the reason that she's an orphan.)

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Yes, I need money because I need to do a lot of things. And I am just thankful to God because ever since I graduated, I was never in great need for money. I wish this continues until 2012. I hope more job opportunities come my way so that I could help more people. :)

There's No Use in Pretending

I guess I'm at the peak of my attempt to get away from everything, and I guess that at some point of my life, I really do have to accept the fact that I am incomplete. I've been trying my best to shove off the thought of noticing my void for a long time now and I think it's about time that I loosen up a little; and admit to myself that I am not okay.

Romance isn't really a good thing to blame but I couldn't think of any other things that would actually cause me to this. I, after all, is still vulnerable - that despite my silly pretenses and fake iron masks and armors, I am still a woman needing to find someone to whom I would mean the world.

But yeah, impossible. And no, don't consult me with the thought that I am soon gonna be fine; because I know it's my fault that I am not. And I don't want others to put salt on my wounds more.

Yes, it is I who inflicts this freaking pain in me. If I want it, I could always pick out a guy from my list and make him my boyfriend to compensate with myself. But NO. I'm not doing that. That'll never be in my options. Because: one, I don't like using people; and two, I know how painful it is to feel used for this kind of matter.

I know I'm incomplete and that's why I'm getting depressed right now. But it's the very same reason why I really don't want to get into a relationship at all. I don't want to find a partner just because I want someone to fill the void in me. I want to find a partner who I can share my completeness with. I want to find someone who I wouldn't depend on for happiness, because I want to find that joy by myself.

I choose not to be unfair to others even if I would be damn unfair with myself. Living is too short. I don't want to waste time playing with guys, or I don't want guys treating me like a disposable toy. I've had too much of that.

But I don't know.

Damn it. Reading too much fanfictions would really be the death of me.

Ready for Love

I am 22 and never for once in my life did I experience a serious kind of relationship. I’m not downing myself but it is truth when I say that all the relationships I’ve gone into were really not worth it and none of the men I loved managed to make me feel that they could love me back. Of course, there were times when I would feel special but, never loved.

This is kind of embarrassing to admit but during the time when I still believe in romance, I experienced a lot of heartaches. I experienced: being betted upon, taken revenge on, used to make an ex jealous (without my consent), used to cover up the pain of breaking up (without my consent), played at, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and being ashamed about. For these reasons, I turned my back on love. For the past three years, I’ve been shielding my heart and rejected every possibility with creatures called ‘men’. I grew mad at their existence and began to distrust all of them. I denounced Cupid and repeatedly questioned God why I am so unfortunate in this field of life.

But yesterday, things have abruptly changed. It was unplanned. It was uncalled for. But as I was on a date yesterday with a close friend from UE, I suddenly told her that I guess, it’s time already that I open up my heart, forget the past and finally admit to myself that like any other person, I am in need of love.

And I am ready to turn my safety on hibernate.

It wasn’t a good idea, probably. But my friend sure was elated. She has been waiting all our friendship’s life to hear me say that I’m ready to fall in love again. It’s funny because I think I have waited all these three years for me to hear myself say those things too.

But I’ve got a condition on myself before I fully let go of my safety blanket. I want to complete myself on my own. As I told my friend yesterday, I don’t want to get into a relationship just because I want the void in me to be filled. I do not want to love a person out of necessity because if in the event that the guy I decided to fall in love with turns out to be another jerk who doesn’t deserve to live, I wouldn’t care much because I am already complete.

I know it sounds selfish but I think, this time, I would rather be the one to fill the void.

Maybe, you guys are laughing at me right now; but my personal friends could attest how serious I am when I said that I wouldn’t love anymore. But people change, so does opinions. And right now, I think I am ready for a major overhauling of my life. I’m awkwardly stepping out of my safe zone – far enough to make me feel the wonder of love which I have long forgotten, and close enough to go back to what I used to be when I am an inch closer to pain already...

Geez. I think this will get another getting used to.