Am I Really for Marriage?

Ask me to list down things I wanted to do with my life and you'll notice that the last thing I wish to happen is for me to get married and have a family. I know you'd raise your eyebrow on me thinking that I'm one crazy woman, but I really am convinced that I don't want it. Romance and marriage might really be very beautiful things, but honestly, it's not... to me.

But recently, I just saw myself thinking about different what if's. What if I find someone? What if someone manages to break through my defenses? What if Cupid really make it rain arrows to shoot me? What if... What if... What if I'm really for the married life?

This started actually when I was in church, waiting for the mass to start. I was thinking about other things (okay, I was thinking about EXO's Kris) when suddenly, a mental image of me asking a 'husband' that we buy our own place - because both parties wouldn't want to live with the other's parents - appeared on my thoughts. It made me shudder; but to my despair, it never left since then.

Am I really for marriage?

One boring day, I woke up and miraculously wouldn't want to use the laptop. I then grabbed a 54-year-old self-help book entitled The Art of Living (Copyright: 1958) from my shelf and started reading. Then I came across an article written by Walter R. Humphrey for Fort Worth Press. It was about him, feeling so wonderful because his daughter got married. I can still remember the line that struck me: "It is nice to have a beautiful girl hanging on  your arm, especially when she's your daughter. I knew no one was paying any attention to me, but I beamed just the same." 

That comment basically stuck because it made me realize that perhaps, I don't want to deprive my father of that rare opportunity. I know it was kinda surreal, but that moment, I almost convinced myself that maybe, I really want to get married for my dad. Shocks.

Am I really for marriage?

Just a few days ago, the family was eating lunch together when suddenly, Mom tapped me for attention. "Someone's inviting you to their wedding," she said. It turned out that our 18-year-old neighbor got pregnant and will get wed on my birthday. The conversation ended as my mom knew that I have no plans on going, but I almost gagged on my food when she told me that she wanted grandchildren already. If she's telling me to get pregnant too, I don't want to think anymore. I told her not to expect anything from me but she just told me - and basically insisted - that I should get married. What the fuck.

Am I really for marriage?

I woke up one morning and suddenly picked my phone to read my drafts. I never do that, so I was surprised when I came into my senses. I was reading a quote from Reader's Digest which I have saved there since I don't know when: "Women cannot find peace of mind unless she has experienced sexuality's spiritual significance in the union of a man and a woman." And guess what, peace of mind is one of my major petitions whenever I pray the novenas to Our Lady of Perpetual Help and St. Jude Thaddeus. Wow.

Am I really for marriage?

To be honest, I would want to get married if I can. But you know, a lot of things had happened in the past that greatly affects the way I perceive this aspect of life. Many people would insist that marriage is a lovely thing and romance is a very good thing to experience, but what if... what if... what if it's just not for me?

I'm not closing my heart though. I'm open to the idea of falling in love. But unless someone really is brave and perseverant enough to change my perspectives in life, and would not give up easily (because trust me, I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE YET WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO DO THAT), my thoughts about this thing called 'romance' and 'marriage' would never cease.