I know this will never get to you. There is no chance you're gonna use the internet and there is no way I could even tell you this in person. But despite all the shyness and cowardice, I just want to tell you that I am sorry for everything I have done and I should have done. I know I'm not the perfect granddaughter but you loved me the same.
Unlike my other cousins, I didn't grow up with you beside me. I was never close to you and frankly, I hated you for being so strict with me. Everytime you go home to the Philippines for a vacation, you will always scold me and my parents like we weren't part of your family. When I started understanding things, I hated you for leaving my mother behind and bringing all your other children with you to Australia. I hated you for the fact that you forgot you still have a daughter and grandchildren left in the Philippines.
But you know, when I learned of what you're going through in Australia, I realized that you were suffering enough to be hated. I started communicating with you and tried hard until I established a good relationship with you when I was in college.
Mommy asked for your help and for three years, you financed my education. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to graduate. I wouldn't have been able to do what I really wanted. When I graduated, you sent me a laptop because you believe that it will help me in the future; and now I'm using it for work, I just want you to know that you were right.
Lola, there may be times when I got rude and I always side on my mother whenever you two fight. I often see you as someone selfish for attention but you know, now I understand that it's all just part of growing old. And from the bottom of my heart, I apologize.
I know I couldn't give back to the sacrifices you did for me. It may not be as much as what you did for my other cousins but I still look up to you because just like what Ate Mary said, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have our parents.
Now that you're suffering, I am sorry that I couldn't take care of you like how you expect us all to do. I couldn't bear to see you in a way you are right now. If only you know how much I wanted to cry when I was in the hospital and you were just screaming at my mom saying you're tired... I was just laughing when you're doing your silly hallucinations saying God's getting angry with you, as well as the Holy Spirit; but deep inside me, I want to cry because I know you're suffering so much already.
Lola, if only I could free you, I would. If only I could be strong enough for my mom and let you go, I would. I don't want to see you suffer anymore, but I couldn't let you go. I know this sounds selfish but I don't want to see my mom sad. And I don't want you to leave with the feeling of incompleteness because you weren't able to get the reconciliation you wanted from your children in Australia.
Please be strong. Then when things get fine, I'll wholeheartedly offer you to God... and that way, you wouldn't think He's getting angry with you anymore.
I love you, Lola. I love you very much. :'(
