I am never the type of person to show my affections towards my immediate family members. I may be tagged as sweet and thoughtful, but never did I have the courage to show them that side of me. Sometimes, I even wonder if the real 'me' is the cold-hearted one which I take myself for, instead of the warm person that I am with friends.
Geez. I have so much to say, don't I?
The point though is: I want to dedicate my November to my family. I have stepped into reality already and had begun journeying to a future I'm trying to control and design. Of course, I need my family with me. Because I will never be who I am without them.
They wouldn't know but my main goal in life is to give them everything. I may always act like a brat and a jerk and a selfish individual, but I sacrifice myself a lot that some friends would even urge me to pay attention to my own needs and desires.
But at this moment, I don't think I can do that yet. I know I buy things for myself and I go to places to rest; but the general idea of everything I do is to give my parents and my brother a better life. I know this is kinda weird but they are also the reason why I don't get into relationships. No, they don't really stop me or whatever; but it was my own decision to put myself on second place.
Every night in my prayers, I always beg God to take care of my family. The painful incident we went through when my grandmother was still alive traumatized me so much that I practically traded my happiness just so nothing will happen to them. I know I'm being selfish and I'm being ridiculous because at the end of the day, it's still for my own sake; but I want to believe that I really just want them all to be okay all the time.
So yeah, November's going to be for them; and hopefully, the rest of my years too. I plan to take them out to dates and buy them things and you know, just let them feel that I have found my place now and I appreciate all their efforts.
I'm excited. :)