The Sad Side of Watching K-Dramas & My Rare Honesty

I'm a self-confessed Korean drama buff. I love romantic comedies because it feels so refreshing to watch. Seeing the characters act so lovey-dovey and cute to each other every scene and watching the conflicts arise and get solved makes me believe that perhaps, love does work. It sparks the hope in me...

but at the same time, it kills.

There is always a side B to everything and I guess, this is what watching Korean dramas has to offer. After the excitement from the scenes dies down, I then enter the phase of questioning myself. Pity overwhelms as I often wonder why such things never happen to me. It's probably because of my being a hopeless romantic, but I think it's more of I'm a girl who just wants to feel wanted.

Whatever I say and no matter how much effort I put in putting up my fortress and facade, moments do come when I just have to admit - even to myself - that I am not okay. Seeing the female leads in dramas I watch find their princes and falling in love and live their happily-ever-afters put me in a terrible state of jealousy because no matter how I think about it, I just can't be like them.

Of course, I know they're fictional; but I don't want to sound so depressed by pointing out that I do get envious of other girls in real life. If you know me personally and you're reading this blog, consider yourselves lucky because there is no way I'm gonna admit that fact in person. This blog is meant to show the real pains inside me so I'm not letting that out in reality.

The truth is, I sometimes get to that stage where I would rather not watch anything; but maybe, I really have a thing for self-infliction of pain that I can't seem to say no to dramas. Addiction? No, it's probably because at the back of my mind, I'm still hoping...

that maybe, just maybe... something like that will happen to me too.


This is more of a hopeless case, right? There's just no chance. People do base their first impressions on the outside appearance of a person and I guess no one is just interested enough to look through who I really am? Everytime I try to let out my feelings and you know, hope that it would get reciprocated, nothing works. It all ends to a situation where they would tell me I'm too good for them though I clearly know they're all lying, or maybe I'm too demanding and whatnot when I simply want to feel like someone actually cares. Asking for one message to not let you worry is not too much right?

But for all of them, it is.


Judging through what happened, I have long realized that I am the problem. Maybe even my inner character's not really a nice one to deal with.


Such an unlucky person I am. HAHAHA. That's a strong possibility because I am just me.. Why would I compare myself to those Korean actress anyway? HAHA

Sacrificing for Your Faith

It's the celebration of Christ the King yesterday. As a part of the documentation team of our parish, I was out there taking pictures with three other friends. The event marks the end of the liturgical year, and is thus an event to celebrate for Catholics. If you ask me, it really is a moment I always get excited for. I get to take a lot of pictures and run around like crazy without anyone telling me off, simply because I wear the uniform.

Taking photos and creating designs for parochial events had long been my form of service. I thought that I wanted to do for the church what I think I do best; hence, this status. For all this time, I have convinced myself that this is how I practice my faith. I always tell God that I do this so He would constantly hear my prayers.

But yesterday, I was made to question such belief by one person.

I don't know him. I might have seen him around the church already but I don't know him at all. But as we were at the first station, I saw him behind the honor guards from Knights of Columbus and was following closely the priests carrying the monstrance. He wasn't singing along when I first noticed him. He was actually murmuring what seemed to be prayers while with that seemingly crying face on. I must admit I didn't pay that much attention, believing that maybe he was just, you know, exaggerating his emotions. And so I left.

I forgot about the man until my next encounter with him. We were already at the outdoor altar of the parish and I was standing with a friend behind the altar servers when he suddenly came up and stood beside me holding a candle. 

Thank You, Papa Mons

I can't remember well but I think it was on 2001 when I first began my ministry as a member of the youth commission in the Parish of St. Francis of Assisi. I remember, the first activity I took part in in the parish is a dance number with the officers for the birthday of our newly-appointed parish priest, Monsignor Eppie Castro. How fast time flies that 12 years had passed and tomorrow, he's leaving Meycauayan for Paombong in Northern Bulacan.

To be honest, I feel really sad with this departure. Everybody knows I can't handle goodbyes that well. Papa Mons (as we all call him) has been one of the closest priests in my heart simply because he had become a good father figure for all of us in the church. Of course, he's far from being perfect. We all have what we have to dislike about him, but no one can say that we didn't appreciate him.

What makes Papa Mons a really memorable person is that he had played a great role in honing my faith as a church leader. It is under his administration that I had developed myself into someone who goes to church for service. More than the chocolates and treats, it is his being fun to be with and approachable that probably grounded me in this situation. I wonder how my faith would be now if he wasn't a part of it.

That is why as he departs for St. James the Apostle Parish in Paombong, Bulacan tomorrow, I pray that he'll have a great time there. Together with Fr. Sasi, I hope that God gives them both the strength to lead a new community to a stronger faith. I really pray that the people there will treat them with respect and understanding just like how we did in Meycauayan. I hope the parishioners will cooperate with them with everything.

And as both are getting old already, I just pray that they always be kept safe from harm. I know Mama Mary will guide them all the time, though.

It's a very fruitful and exciting 12 years with Papa Mons, and as sad as it is that we have to part, I know that someday, we'll see each other soon. Meycauayan is not too far from Paombong, especially with the existence of NLEX, hehe.

TYPHOON YOLANDA: #PrayforthePhilippines

To say I'm scared is completely an understatement. I am terrified.

The worst typhoon to ever be formed in the world this year is proving its strength in the central part of the Philippines at the moment. The Typhoon Haiyan (local name, Yolanda) is currently inside the Philippine Area of Responsibility, and is threatening us with up to Signal #4 warnings. International news claim it's a Category 5 typhoon which is as strong as the most destructive cyclones in the Atlantic.

Before press time, I went out the house and stared at the night sky. I was surprised by the presence of the stars. The calm made me feel very eerie, but in the end, I basked on the positive. I choose to believe that the stars were there before the storm to remind me to hold on, because whatever happens, it's all going to be okay.

At the moment, light rain is pouring in my location. In the Visayas region which will suffer the direct hit of the typhoon, storm signal #4 is already raised on several provinces. It's a terrifying situation, considering that the typhoon hasn't reached land yet. It's still in the ocean, yet it's already Signal #1 in Manila.

Everyone is scared. I, myself, can no longer sleep. The trauma is kicking in again and I cannot breathe properly anymore. Should the rain strengthen, I am pretty sure I'll end up shaking and palpitating again.

But you know what keeps me strong? Faith.

The typhoons and monsoons that we experienced brought me to my knees in fear, but taught me to take advantage of the position. I learned to pray and depend on my faith. Constant prayers for guidance and strength had become my mantra when it comes to occurrences like this. No one can save us except God, after all.

Of course, I've gone through doubting as well. I questioned His help. I questioned His existence. But you know? I regretted that so much because it was a terrible mistake. I failed to believe, yet He still saved us.

And now that the biggest storm is coming our way, I am trying to be very calm. It's not easy, but prayers do wonders. Prayers produce miracles. I know that as long as I hold on tight to my God, my mother Mary and my brother Jesus, we'll all be safe.

Let's continue praying for the Philippines. I'm asking everyone for help.

Family

I am never the type of person to show my affections towards my immediate family members. I may be tagged as sweet and thoughtful, but never did I have the courage to show them that side of me. Sometimes, I even wonder if the real 'me' is the cold-hearted one which I take myself for, instead of the warm person that I am with friends. 

Geez. I have so much to say, don't I?

The point though is: I want to dedicate my November to my family. I have stepped into reality already and had begun journeying to a future I'm trying to control and design. Of course, I need my family with me. Because I will never be who I am without them.

They wouldn't know but my main goal in life is to give them everything. I may always act like a brat and a jerk and a selfish individual, but I sacrifice myself a lot that some friends would even urge me to pay attention to my own needs and desires. 

But at this moment, I don't think I can do that yet. I know I buy things for myself and I go to places to rest; but the general idea of everything I do is to give my parents and my brother a better life. I know this is kinda weird but they are also the reason why I don't get into relationships. No, they don't really stop me or whatever; but it was my own decision to put myself on second place. 

Every night in my prayers, I always beg God to take care of my family. The painful incident we went through when my grandmother was still alive traumatized me so much that I practically traded my happiness just so nothing will happen to them. I know I'm being selfish and I'm being ridiculous because at the end of the day, it's still for my own sake; but I want to believe that I really just want them all to be okay all the time.

So yeah, November's going to be for them; and hopefully, the rest of my years too. I plan to take them out to dates and buy them things and you know, just let them feel that I have found my place now and I appreciate all their efforts. 

I'm excited. :)

Thought For the Soul

Lurking around Facebook and saw this quote shared by a friend. Instantly, it appealed to me - especially because of everything that's been happening around me for quite some time.

Lately, there had been lots of people on Facebook who are being too criticizing. I guess, it rooted from the constant vigilance in social networking sites we, Filipinos, are being taught of. The main purpose is basically to encourage awareness about the current happenings in the Philippine government. We are encouraged to observe and notice all things we think could eventually lead to the revelation of who's corrupt and who's not.

But what we don't realize is that some of us are doing it wrong already. Exaggerated posts and accusations were made public in the internet. It has become a trend to criticize without thinking and many are constantly jumping into the bandwagon of this idiocy. Most of us fail to remember that words and social networking site combined is so powerful that it could readily ruin a whole country, if not just one person's life.

Getting away from politics, I see this situation in ordinary people too. Just last night, I saw a post about a couple being bashed online for pretending to be in Singapore when they're just actually in Nuvali in Sta. Rosa, Laguna. While it is quite funny why they would do that, it was kind of alarming how the share counts basically escalated overnight - complete with comments bashing the two for that simple case.

I know it was a little funny why they did that but do they really deserve such harsh treatment from people who don't know them in the first place? Based on other's researches, the pictures were actually grabbed by an unknown person and were uploaded on a poser Facebook account... probably to stir up controversies.

Moving on... I think the worst case I've come across this past week was that of a KPOP fan who happened to wear a WOLF 88 shirt on Super Show 5 Manila. While I consider it also rude, I wish some fans actually put their feet on the break pedal and controlled themselves. I didn't exactly read the comments to stop myself from getting involved; but I think I burst out when the child had to post a public apology. I read the letter. I thought it was too much for her pride.

You see, she's most likely a new fan as she said it was her first concert. Meaning, there are still things she doesn't know about the fandom. I know common sense should have been applied, but mistakes like that happen. In one way or another, we've all done that. 

So why is there a need for bashing?

With all these things that happened, I was once again reminded how shallow people's minds can be. It's so easy for us to hate on something that doesn't meet our standards. What we fail to do is to try to understand why that happened. I mean, everything has a reason; why can't we try to at least be a bit objective and know those reasons first before we let out harmful comments?

I wish people would understand that basking on hate does nothing good. I can attest to that because I've been there, I've done that; and it just destroyed me. If we don't want to understand, at least we should open up our eyes to see the positive side of things. We need to accept the fact that there are still good things in this world apart from our ownselves. We can stop hate if we learn how to appreciate. We're not the only ones trying to be perfect; and we don't become perfect once we point out the dirt of others. 

If we try to find the good things, we'd be very amused that we won't have time to look at the bad ones. There are so much of it, waiting to be noticed. So let's all free ourselves from the hypocrisy of hating on things we don't understand. 

It's about time.

A Promise

If there is one thing that the Roman Catholics are often bashed for, it's our belief in images and statues. Just recently when the churches in Bohol and Cebu collapsed due to the destructive earthquake, many non-Catholics suddenly commented that it happened because God was angry that we worship wooden images. While I believe that that comment was way below the belt and totally uncalled for, let me just say it straight that it's not the wooden image which we revere, not worship. We pray through the saints, and NOT to the saints. There's a big difference lying between those two ideas - something which many loose-tongue people don't actually see.

Now what does this have to do with my post?

I have quite a number of friends who own wooden images of different saints. Most of which are shown to the public through processions and expositions on the altar. Called 'camareros', they do exert effort to keep their images well-taken care of. 

For so many years, they have been trying to turn me into one, and I always refuse. It's not that I don't want to; but you see, being a camarero can be totally expensive. There are two main reasons: One, I need to spend on the procession coach, flowers, lighting, etc. Basically, money is greatly involved in maintaining the statues; and with the social and financial status I have right now, the idea will surely be very, very difficult.

Second, I couldn't determine who I should get. It's not like I can just choose who I want. I need to have a devotion the saint because that's basically the primary purpose of taking care of one. Initially, I thought I should get a Niña (young Virgin Mary), but then the choice became St. Jude Thaddeus or St. Augustine of Hippo (considering that I graduated from the then-St. Jude Academy, an Augustinian school). However, they all didn't stick to my mind simply because my devotions to them aren't as strong as I should have. I'm working on it though.

In the end, the plans turned to vain. Financial difficulties arose and it left me with nothing in my pocket. I thought I'm no longer interested...

But after the procession of the Holy Rosary in our parish and as we lounged at Kuya Marvin's house, a Eureka moment came to me and it stuck since then.

"Pope John Paul II," I just said.

To be canonized on April 2014, I have always liked the pope. It started when I was in Grade 1 when World Youth Day happened in the Philippines. I know I wasn't really into faith then as I was still so young, but perhaps, we can attribute the interest to the song "Tell the World of His Love" which basically stuck with me until this very moment.

As I grew up, Pope John Paul II holds the position of the Supreme Pontiff; so I basically had him as My Holiness throughout my whole life of being a Catholic. His smile had always been very calming to me, and his love for the young ones has always been inspiring. It's only recently though that I actually delved into who he really was during his earlier years.

Back to the real topic, I couldn't really determine how Pope John Paul II suddenly popped up into my mind. But nevertheless, I felt back then in an instant that here's gonna be the real thing.

Obviously delighted that they finally got me converted, my friends immediately told me it was a good decision and offered me all the help they could provide. Kuya Marvin said he'll take care of the vestments while Luwi will help in the flower arrangements. I can tell they were excited. Well, I am too. 

When I got back home that night, I saw the pope's picture hanging in my wall; and as usual, he was smiling at me and i couldn't help but smile back. That's his prime effect on me after all. I told myself that I'll try to push through with the plans. No backing out.

As I prayed the rosary, I asked Mother Mary to give me signs that I promised the right thing. Since then, the idea of having Pope John Paul II's image in my home never left my mind. It's like every place I go to reminds me of him. 

The strongest sign I think would be during Sunday when I was waiting for friends to come over the house, I turned the TV on. Suddenly, I felt the urge to turn to Channel 50 (EWTN) and watch the Papal Audience. As soon as Pope Francis' face popped up in my screen, he said Pope John Paul II's name.

WOW.

Instantly, I tried to plan where I'll get the money. I have already figured out how much I'm willing to shed, and through the blessed pope's intercession, I know I'll be able to get the amount before my 25th birthday next year.

It's gonna be exciting! :)

Not All Adults are Worth It (THIS IS JUST A RANT)

I may be incredibly rude, but I can say that I can totally be nice to adults. But today, I have learned one of the ultimate truths the society should learn to accept: NOT ALL ADULTS DESERVE TO BE RESPECTED.

Excuse me if this will go against the 'religious person' in me who I'm trying to establish through my recent blog posts. I just felt so fed up with the annoying stereotyping of most elders nowadays.

This afternoon, I was in a renewal/formation seminar of Lay Ministers and we were in-charged of the taking the ID pictures. One parish annoyed me to hell simply because they kept on insisting something that they should come first. The thing is, we told the organizers that they are the priority but for some reason, they were put on second. I think it's because the group failed to actually follow the rules.

As they were waiting forcibly for their turn, I saw them looking at us like it's our fault. And I hated it. I hated how they think we weren't true to our promises. I told them they will come first, but how can I go against the decision of the organizers, right? I was a merely contracted for a certain task, why would I freaking meddle with another?

I thought that's the first and last annoyance for the day. But just before the event ended, I was told that one group failed to submit their registration form. Thus, we didn't know that there were 36 more whose pictures we had to take.

Now here's the issue: It's not our fault that they didn't get to give us their form beforehand. When I told them that, they began blaming the registration people for not giving the form to us. That's when I began to wonder why they just won't admit that it's their fault? The rules were clearly set and delivered to them. Why didn't they understand? For them to learn their lessons, the organizers told us that they should come last.

Fast forward: The event ended and three groups were asked to stay for the ID picture-taking. When I got back to the booth, I noticed that the group which was supposed to be last were the ones seated. I kinda thought it was downright unfair considering that they were the last one to submit the requirement. Good thing, the director came and settled the issue and it was made clear that they should be the last.

That's when I began erupting. They were insisting that they had to leave and so some of them actually annoyed the hell out of us. For the sake of a smooth-sailing though panic-stricken process, we all decided to accommodate them and move on to the actual arrangement.

But of course, this last group won't stop. They ended up getting my email address, saying they will just send their pictures because they need to be somewhere else. I realized that it was a better idea and gave my detail right away.

But to my surprise, they didn't leave and fell in line instead. It could have been okay and I could have dealt with them properly; but no, they just have to blurt out unnecessary comments and take out their annoyance that they came last at me.

To my utter displeasure, one even actually had the nerve to tell me that while I was taking group pictures, I should have brought another camera so they weren't put on waiting. WELL EXCUSE ME BUT THE CAMERA WE'RE USING ISN'T EVEN MINE! I hate it how they think we have everything just because we were there. And I hated it how they rudely deliver their suggestions. Couldn't they see that we were already going gaga over the situation? Was it our fault that there were too many of them and a total of more or less three hours lack to accommodate them all?

I was shaking in anger already as I used my intermediate pad as their name signs. I couldn't handle disrespectful adults who think they should always be prioritized. I mean, there were a lot of them who want to come first. HOW THE FUCK WOULD I MANAGE ALL OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME!?

Then you know what irked me more? Someone really had the nerve to blame me for not assisting those first in lines when it's their co-members who were actually crowding around me. THAT'S WHEN MY BLOOD REACHED ITS BOILING POINT. I reasoned out that their members were the ones at fault, and not us.

Probably realizing that I was right, he just took the piece of paper from me. Or rather, he SNATCHED it.

Goodness. I thought I should have just shoved the piece of paper down his throat.

Sigh~



Okay, I know what you guys are thinking: that they're still adults and that as the younger one, I should exert more patience. BUT THAT'S MY POINT! They easily blamed us when things go wrong even without our knowledge, but they wouldn't freaking accept it if we point out their mistakes? WTF.

I've always believed that respect begets respect; and I just hope adults know that they aren't exception to the rule. No one is worthy of good treatment and unending patience, unless he could practice those himself.


.

I know I did wrong too for showing the group that I was angry. And to anyone who were just dragged to the annoyance, I apologize. Your fellow brothers' attitude kinda got into me; and I'm sorry that you had to be affected in a way or another.