The Reason Why the Philippines Can’t Grow

On my way home this morning, something happened which brought me to a deep realization. An old couple with their daughter (at her early 20′s, I guess) rode the jeepney I’m in. The mother settled already and it’s the old man’s turn to step inside. But the jeep moved and the man almost lost balance. Good thing that the daughter was assisting her father who, I realized, cannot walk properly. He has a walking stick for support.

Since I’m sitting at the corner-most seat of the jeep (near the opening), I was told to move and so I did. Ending, I was seated in between the woman and her husband, in front of their daughter.

Where’s the story? Here: Due to what happened, the old woman’s fury erupted. She started shouting at the driver. There were many what-ifs and reasonings. She said that the driver shouldn’t have let them ride, in the first place. She said there should be a sign in the jeepney saying ‘OLD PEOPLE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO RIDE.’

The driver was laughing it all off. I knew from his look that he did not mean it. But the woman continued talking loud (so loud that I began to cover my ears despite their daughter seeing me). Manong driver talked back, he said ‘BAWAL HO KASI MAGSAKAY DON. NAKAHINTO LANG HO AKO KAYA NAKASAKAY KAYO PERO BAWAL HO DON.‘ (It’s not a loading area. I was just stopped by traffic that’s why you were able to get in.) This is funny because after hearing this, the woman shouted again (AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS, AND NEAR MY FUCKING EAR >_<) ‘BAKIT KA NAGAGALIT???’ (Why are you angry???) Thus, the driver got fed up and stopped the jeepney, probably signalling the family to get off.

That fueled the woman’s anger more. She challenged the driver fiercely to stop it in the police station and then, I heard the most ridiculous statement in the drama: “KUNG MAKIKITA NG MGA TRAFFIC ENFORCERS NA MATANDA ANG SASAKAY, HINDI NA MAGAGALIT YAN!” (If the traffic enforcers would see that it’s old people that are riding the jeepney, they wouldn’t be angry anymore.) The man said it, and I thought: ‘NOW THIS IS THE REASON WHY THE PHILIPPINES REMAIN TO BE A POOR COUNTRY.’

You see, our culture itself is the main reason why we cannot grow as a country. Our traditions restrict us to move and be different. Whatever we do, we think that we should take into consideration the values started and taught by our ancestors. We are tied to it. Our lives are run by it.

But when will we realize that people change and some of the Filipino traditions and cultures are no longer applicable?

I’m not being subversive, but it’s about time that we, Filipinos, realize how much of ourselves are being sacrificed. The old man’s statement this morning, isn’t it too much? We’ve been constantly saying that there’s no one above the law in the Philippines but the couple’s belief has just shamed that principle.

Sure, we can still practice being nice to old people. But does that make them exempted from committing mistakes?

The old couple is just a representation of a large number of Filipinos. I know a lot more others who think the same way. Because they’re old, they have to be special. Because they’re kids, they have to be taken care of. Because they’re rich, they have to be respected. Because they’re poor, they have to be shamed. And you ask why the Philippines is left behind?

Balance. That’s the secret. If you want to be respected, be respectable. Don’t use your identity, age or status to put things in your favor.

And please, people, don’t make a fuss in public. It’s demeaning and embarrassing.

Somebody Take Me Away From Here

WRITTEN: April 23, 2011

I want to be a good person. I want to be someone my parents could be proud of. I want to be someone better and deserving for their love and respect. I want to be responsible in their eyes and be authentically accepted as their daughter. I want to be worthy in the eyes of others because I’m worthy in the eyes of my parents… especially my father.

Sometimes, I think the reason why I don’t want to have a family is because I don’t have a good one to start with. Yes, we’re complete. Yes, we’re all together. And though we’re not well-off, we aren’t torn… or so I thought.

I don’t know what I did. I answered back, provoked by the actions of my mother, then I was humiliated by my dad. I was looked down on, accused of being the worst kind of daughter. I was called names, thrown curses at, shamed. I talked back again, trying to defend the little self-worth that’s left. But as usual, I failed. Because my father cannot be defeated. Because if there is something wrong in this house, it is automatically me who did it. So what’s left for me is to suffer the consequences of things, which most of the time, I did not even thought of committing.

And mind you, it’s Black Saturday today.

I grew up with it. For the past years of my life in this house, I woke up every morning to such complicated situation. I go to school with a heavy heart always. Whenever it’s time to go home, I think of more activities to do with friends to keep myself from coming back to my family. People just don’t see but every time I am without them, a part of me wishes not to go back anymore.

It’s wrong, I know. But who can stop me from wishing that I wish I have other father? I love my dad, God knows that. After all, he has given me life. But sometimes, he gets too scary that he demeans me already.

Right now, I just can’t do anything but cry as I type this. Somehow, it feels better. And to think that I’ll be meeting a friend (brother) later, I think I can release all these later.

I need a pillar to lean on. I need strength. I need courage. I need help.

Somebody take me away from here. 

One Threatening Experience

Written: May 2, 2011/3:30AM

May 2, 2011. It was supposedly a quiet night. It’s Monday morning and few hours more, I’m going to my toxic work. I was supposed to be sleeping soundly, readying myself for another week of pressure and anxieties in work. But it became a night of extreme fear and worries. Thanks to the insensitivity of my neighbours and the spirit of alcohol.

May 1 was the feast of Mahal na Señor. Obviously, it was a whole day of celebration. So the new family in my neighbourhood had their own party. Their house is just across ours so whatever noise that comes from them will surely be heard here. It just so happened that they have a videoke. For the whole day, they were just singing merrily, drinking and literally having a feast.

10:30 PM, my visitors went home and so as my father’s. As I lock the gate, I asked one of their visitors – another useless neighbour – to lessen the volume of the sounds. He was drunk already so I doubt if he even relayed the message. I went to my room and tried making myself sleepy through the internet. But the sounds are disturbing.

So 11:30PM, I went out again and looked for someone to ask. My mom also went out and aggressively, she asked if they can lower down the volume in a loud voice. Taken by my mom’s slight anger, I told the drunkards that I have already asked them to do so but they didn’t. One man stood up – the most useless and most boastful person in the neighbourhood – and told the house owner to lessen the volume. It was lessened, and I managed to sleep.

However, around 1:30 AM, I was awakened by out-of-tune voices and microphone feedbacks; not to mention, the loud chattering coming from outside. For the third time, I went downstairs and asked my parents if I could talk to them. My dad got up from the bed and said he’ll talk to the guys instead. I refused to because I sensed trouble.

So I went out and my dad followed. As I was trying to find someone to talk to again, my dad went to their drinking place and talked to the brother of the owner of the house. And then, after a while, one man – owner – came to us and repeatedly said he have been wanting to turn the machine off but the one man (who was the most useless and most boastful person in the neighbourhood) told them that it’s okay. So being new to the place, he said he thought that it was okay to just sing and sing without caring for other people’s welfare.

It was an absurd advice and I started cursing that ‘advisor’ in my mind. My dad said if that’s the case, since the person isn’t there anymore, they should’ve turned it off. But their voices grew louder and the trouble worsened.

I didn’t know who picked up a pipe first. Was it my father or was it them? I don’t remember. All I can remember was my dad asked the younger man if he has a problem too and the latter suddenly looked for something to hit my father with. I was just shouting that he’s not a local here so he shouldn’t act like that. Fortunately, the other visitors managed to control him. I took the chance to push my father away. He went inside the house and was controlled by my mother. I was left alone outside. My brother went out to see the incident but I instructed him to look after our father. He complied.

Then my mom went out. When I turned to see the drunkards, I was shaken by surprise when I saw another man in red trying to break loose, approaching me violently. He was just a few feet away when my instincts told me to go down to my knees and hide. I feared that he would throw me something. But to my horror, my mom was standing and trying to look for something to hide. I shouted for her to go inside and call the police. Then, I heard the ruckus stop.

One old man came to us and apologized on the behalf of the troublemakers. That was the first time I loudly admitted that I fear for my family. Our safety is being threatened. I told him, what if they do something to us while we’re asleep. The old man, panting with stress and worries, told us that nothing would happen. Honestly, he became my calming point. I pitied him actually. It must have been so hard trying to stop three raging men from causing trouble.

And then, I saw the owner and the younger man coming to us. I felt afraid but I sense peace. They came and apologized. The younger one took my hand and even smiled. He was probably thinking that I’ll be enchanted with it since he’s actually good-looking. I asked him why he had to do that to my father. He said he was just surprised and anger took over. He told me that tomorrow, everything will go back to normal. We accepted the apologies. Before we parted in peace, I assured them that there would be no police scenes.

Then, off I went to my family.

Around 2:30AM, I went to my brother’s room and tried to vehemently observe their actions for the fear that they would get back at us while we’re asleep. I tried listening to their conversations since they’re speaking loud. My paranoia went on again. I started thinking of the what-if’s of the story and started connecting everything they’re talking about to me. I heard the words ‘yung dalaga!’ (the maiden!) and ‘may kasalanan ka rin naman…’ (you also have your mistake.) But my brother heard ‘kung lalake sana…’ (if only it’s a boy…). So I started worrying. I was thinking what if it was me who really ignited their anger? What if it’s really me who provoked them and not my father? What if I caused all this trouble?

It was insane, I tell you. I was even close to going outside again and talk to them in peace. I want to apologize. I want to explain why they have to turn that videoke off. I want to tell them that the useless neighbour who advised them to continue should not be trusted. I want to gain peace of mind for tonight. Because I want to sleep as I have to go to work later.

But my parents disapproved. So I had to go upstairs again and talk to my brother instead. He told me his insights about what happened, and he even relayed to me his plan if ever a fight occurred. I knew it was a desperate attempt to settle things down. I know it was a desperate thought. But still, I was thankful to my brother… and at the same time, fearing for his safety.

As I write this, it’s 3:30 in the morning. I sent a message already to our HR person and told her that I might not be able to go to work today. In the office, I wouldn’t be able to think straight for sure. For the whole day, I’ll be worried for my parents since they’ll be left alone here. Though there will be workers tomorrow, I won’t still be able to concentrate with my job. Come what may, I won’t come to the office tomorrow.

For until now, the fear is overpowering me. Tomorrow, I will go to them and apologize properly. I want to assure them that we’re not bad people and we are just trying to live a quiet life in this not-so-quiet place. I will have to talk to the females, especially to the one who was crying a while ago. I don’t know why but I have this instinct that she was crying because of the incident. Well, who wouldn’t want to cry? I, myself, would also want to. Especially since the safety of my father and my family is at stake. I can’t compromise anything.

What happened woke me up to reality. I realized that there is someone who really wants to destroy us here. And I can’t think of any other but that one useless man who continuously bring us trouble and worries. As how I see it, it’s because of envy. And they’re, like, trying to get along with new people at our expense. It’s fucking retarded. I feel it’s envy and jealousy. Does he sees us as competitors? But over what? What is he trying to prove? That he’s better than us? That his family is more popular than us? That he’s more influential? The fuck is that.

I am not sure but this assumption is like filling up 80% of my certainty measure. I know something’s wrong with them about us. And I wish we would know it.

Indeed, this world is cruel. Crabs are everywhere and insensitivity is rampant. It’s another reason why the Philippines can’t grow as a country. Everyone is pulling everyone else down. Nobody wants other to succeed aside from them. And people forget that their neighbours are their responsibilities. And there are laws to be obeyed. There are laws to be respected. And there are human rights to be observed.

This incident has taught me something: I can never sleep without peace of mind and I can never be at ease when I know I did something wrong. Quite far, but if I tell that people should stop being insensitive, then what’s the purpose of telling you this story?

Take the Road Less Traveled

Another school year is fast approaching. April has passed by so fast and May’s most likely to be the same. Next thing we know, it’s June and it’s time for school again. Students become students once more and they face another opportunity and another chance to prove themselves in the field of academics.

But before everything starts again, I would just like to impart with you something which I have just recently realized. To do something, we have to have a goal. We have to draw a picture of our future. In that way, we would be certain of what we want to do. We would not find it difficult to choose which road to take whenever we face crossroads. Apparently, it’s easy. But truth is I have known a lot of people who – even after graduation – are yet to find what they’re really looking for.

I, myself, was one of them. As I’ve said, it took me years before I finally understand what I’m made for. It took me years of incalculable frustrations and excruciating rejections before I finally realize what I really want to do with my life.

If possible, please don’t take the path which most have gone to. As much as possible, take the road less travelled.

I decided to come up with this article with the hope that it will somehow enlighten the minds and hearts of students who are blinded by the prestige of having a diploma and a degree. I feel sorry for them. Their lives are run by wrong goals. They study hard, pay for sky-high tuition fees, spend sleepless nights on theses, deal with rivals and not classmates, and yet they end up losing themselves in this game of uncertainty.

Guys, let not life trick you.

Here’s how to stop the world from baffling you: know what you really want. I told you, it’s not gonna be easy. But listen to your heart. Try doing different things. Challenge yourself healthily with everything. Observe your actions: Do you feel excited just by the thought of doing it? Do you feel like you can stick to it in a long time? Do you feel satisfied? Do you think you’ll become someone better – disregarding the prejudice and pressure the world will give you – when you pursue it? If your answer to all questions is yes; then you really must have known your dream already.

Now what does that have to do with school? Simple. You become a student to prepare yourself in fulfilling your dreams. In kindergarten, you learn how to read and write. In elementary, you learn the basic math. In high school, you try to discover who you really are. And in college, you clear the path you’re going to take after graduation.

Yes, the real learning starts when you get out of school. Another yes, it’s true that our being students never end. We exist to learn. It’s just a matter of in which field are we going to specialize.

Me, I decided to focus on writing. Because it’s my core gift. Because it’s the only thing I can say I’m good at. Because it’s what I love. And as aforementioned, it took me a year before I finally admit to myself that this is what I want to do. Imagine, I’ve been writing for like a decade already prior to that.

Let me share to you the thoughts of my friends. We were talking about why we couldn’t seem to find happiness in our jobs. When all of a sudden, he told me, “In college, we strive to graduate. But after our desire to wear that toga and receive that diploma has been fulfilled, we don’t know what comes next anymore. It is because we’ve been too focused on the act of graduating. We weren’t able to see beyond that activity.”

And he’s right. For four years, I strived hard to get good grades. I was running around in circles. There was nothing new and excitement comes rarely. After graduation, I got lost. You know the story already.

Here’s what I’m saying and this goes especially to the incoming college students: You go to school to prepare yourselves for a bigger learning outside the academe. You need not to be manipulated by the controlling factors in school because you will never know; some of them might just be there to destroy you. Be the authority on yourself. After all, no one else can ever know what’s good for you except you.

And please, don’t let school overrule your life. As said in the film Three Idiots, “it’s a college. It’s not a pressure cooker.” Don’t let the insistent anxieties bring you to your knees. You are more powerful than that. Master your superpower and become the superhero of your own.

Please, as I said, take the road less travelled. Don’t be afraid of hardships and sacrifices. These mould you to become a better person, a better student, and a better individual. Use it as guides but never make it the compelling power in your life.

In summary, please, dear students; please know what you really want to do. Only through that can you fully answer ‘yes’ to the questions asked earlier; with a smile of confidence and assurance that you know what you’re doing and you will take no time in reaching it.

You are students – not prisoners. You have all the right to enjoy life outside the pressure cooker. But at the same time, you have the huge responsibility to become good persons. Anyway, you still have time to make it. J

And this, I would like to make compulsory: before the school year starts, take time to browse the internet for a film called ‘Three Idiots.’ You’ll most likely understand what I’m saying even before you finish it. 

Problems are not Problems Unless We Call it a ‘Problem’

One morning, I woke up with a heavy feeling – like something’s gonna happen. I was damn restless that whole day, until something indeed came up. Humiliation and embarrassment dawned on me like old pals dreaming to infiltrate my mind and soul again.

I was too damn affected. I tried to laugh it off and put myself in a state of denial. But when I couldn’t take it anymore, I gave up…

…and cut my hair.

Then, in an instant, I became okay.

It was an abrupt decision; and my hair which used to be shoulder length and curly is now in a 2×4 apple cut, with cheek-length fringes. Ala-Rihanna. I know it doesn’t fit, especially that my body is this huge. Nevertheless, I think it looks better.

—

I think that’s my escape. It’s the best counter attack against depression and stress. To me, cutting my hair gives off an instant new beginning. To me, cutting my hair is like ending an old story and starting with a new one – a new life, a new day, a new me.

You see, people have these ways of escaping problems. Yes, escaping and not solving. Because sometimes, the things we perceive as problems are mere products of our imaginations. Like, it’s nothing but a ghost we create for ourselves.

So sometimes, our problems need no solving. It simply requires us to take a step forward and move further with the plans we have for ourselves. It often gets tricky, and that is the reason why people end up depressed. They go crazy finding solutions, when in fact, there’s none at all.

I hope those who read this will get my message. Life is too simple. It’s just us who makes it complicated. Remember, something would not become a problem if we don’t call it a problem. ‘Challenge’ would be a better term – some needs solving while some just have to be disregarded.

A Simple Deed to Make the Day Right

Nagpapanic ako. Lunchbreak, I had to go to the church pa rin to check kung may mga kailangan pa kong gawin sa simbahan for the fiesta. Tsaka kukunin ko lang yung camera ko na iniwan ko sa kaibigan ko for documentation.

Kaso pagsakay ko ng tricycle, wala palang barya yung manong driver. So sabi niya, dito ko na nga lang daw samin bayaran pag uwi ko since nasa kanto lang naman yung pilahan nila. I agreed. Kaso may manong na dumating. Sabi nya sa driver, 'Boss, magkano ba?'. In short, binayaran niya yung pamasahe ko.

Pero syempre, ibinalik ko naman agad nung nakapagpapalit na ko sa bookstore.

Ang point ko dito, hindi para ipagmalaki at isipin na may lalakeng tumulong sakin. Ang point ko dito, may mga Good Samaritans parin pala sa lugar namin.

Sa totoo lang, rampant naman talaga sa mundo ngayon na walang pakelamanan. Maraming taong kahit helpless ka na sa harap nila, dadaanan ka lang. Hindi ka papansinin. Hindi ka tutulungan. Nakakatuwang isipin na kahit pano, may mga taong handa pa ring tumayo sa kinauupuan, marunong tumayming kung kelan dapat makialam, at maluwag sa loob na tumulong sa kapwa.

Kung sino ka man kuya, salamat po sa pagpapahiram ng trenta. :) Sabi po dito samin, hindi daw po dapat yun yung binayaran natin. Babatukan ko nalang po yung driver mamaya. :) Tenkyu po ulit. :)

Seeing My Parents' Worth

Now that everything I've dreaded is happening, I am trying to find even just a good thing from all these heartaches. I know that everything happens for a reason and God allows me to go through it because I have to learn something. And I think I have finally realized what I should have realized ages ago.

Parents are priceless.


This is pure drama when we think about it, but I thought of the same. I thought that I do not need to show my affection towards my parents because at the end of each day, they will still love me for what I am. But you know what? When I saw how my mom is taking care of my grandmother, I realized that there will come a time that I will be like my mom and my mom will be like my lola. That's how life is, after all. I should just be prepared.

And you know, a part of preparation is to let them know how much I love them and how much I appreciate each and every thing they do for me. I literally owe them my life so while there is time, I have to give back to whatever they have sacrificed for me.

I know this is selfish and kinda stupid to think but I'm now seeing things without my lola in the picture. You know, it's difficult to accept but sooner or later, it's gonna happen so I might as well prepare myself already. Thinking this way doesn't mean I don't love her. I do, so much. But I do not want to get so hurt. I know she's ready to leave, and I might as well be ready.

So as I clean the house this morning, I saw the little space where their bed is (in the first floor) and I realized that I want to get a small room constructed there for them. I could already, anyway. I just have to work hard. And then, I will have that air-conditioned, and there should be a television with cable channel, a DVD player, and lots of Korean dramas and war movies.

And then I will work hard to buy them plane tickets. I want my dad to experience how it is to ride a plane. Bohol? Davao? Palawan? I don't know where yet, but as soon as I can, I promise I'll bring the whole family to a vacation.

Then I'll make sure that all their birthdays will be celebrated. I will let them invite their friends over the house and make sure that they'll have lots of fun. As early as now, I want to value family more so even though I don't really like it, I should let their relatives come to the house for some parties.

I want them to just relax. I do not want to see them cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or making market trips. I want to be the one to do that; if not, I'll get others to do that. I will pay for a house-helper if it's not too much.

And lastly, I want them to just keep their money for themselves. Just like how Mama did it with Lola, I will keep all their money so that if time comes that they need that for medicine, we know where to get it.

I know I'm thinking so much but you see, these are the only things I can do for my parents. I love them so much, and now that I learned that separation with them is inevitable, I want to make the best out of everyday we're together.

This isn't really something worth reading. But for some who are able to understand my poiint, I know that reading an account of someone else isn't really that convincing. But it's better to take me for example so that you will not waste time in disregarding the people you owe your lives to.

Get Well Soon, Lola

Lola,

I know this will never get to you. There is no chance you're gonna use the internet and there is no way I could even tell you this in person. But despite all the shyness and cowardice, I just want to tell you that I am sorry for everything I have done and I should have done. I know I'm not the perfect granddaughter but you loved me the same.

Unlike my other cousins, I didn't grow up with you beside me. I was never close to you and frankly, I hated you for being so strict with me. Everytime you go home to the Philippines for a vacation, you will always scold me and my parents like we weren't part of your family. When I started understanding things, I hated you for leaving my mother behind and bringing all your other children with you to Australia. I hated you for the fact that you forgot you still have a daughter and grandchildren left in the Philippines.

But you know, when I learned of what you're going through in Australia, I realized that you were suffering enough to be hated. I started communicating with you and tried hard until I established a good relationship with you when I was in college.

Mommy asked for your help and for three years, you financed my education. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to graduate. I wouldn't have been able to do what I really wanted. When I graduated, you sent me a laptop because you believe that it will help me in the future; and now I'm using it for work, I just want you to know that you were right.

Lola, there may be times when I got rude and I always side on my mother whenever you two fight. I often see you as someone selfish for attention but you know, now I understand that it's all just part of growing old. And from the bottom of my heart, I apologize.

I know I couldn't give back to the sacrifices you did for me. It may not be as much as what you did for my other cousins but I still look up to you because just like what Ate Mary said, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have our parents.

Now that you're suffering, I am sorry that I couldn't take care of you like how you expect us all to do. I couldn't bear to see you in a way you are right now. If only you know how much I wanted to cry when I was in the hospital and you were just screaming at my mom saying you're tired... I was just laughing when you're doing your silly hallucinations saying God's getting angry with you, as well as the Holy Spirit; but deep inside me, I want to cry because I know you're suffering so much already.

Lola, if only I could free you, I would. If only I could be strong enough for my mom  and let you go, I would. I don't want to see you suffer anymore, but I couldn't let you go. I know this sounds selfish but I don't want to see my mom sad. And I don't want you to leave with the feeling of incompleteness because you weren't able to get the reconciliation you wanted from your children in Australia.

Please be strong. Then when things get fine, I'll wholeheartedly offer you to God... and that way, you wouldn't think He's getting angry with you anymore.

I love you, Lola. I love you very much. :'(